"So what is this thrumming coin on the strand?" is very nice.

I like it but I can't seem to make the dead mans curve in it. I may be too slow at the wheel today.

Preach my pain also, oh how I long for those youthful days too. I appreciate this. 9

I guarantee people on this highly-accommodating site will slate this. Make it humorous and you might convert them. Perhaps after the 'will he ever act' you could put something like 'will he remember to breathe?' or maybe 'will he contract AIDS?' (although the answer to that seems quite obvious to me). It's a decent start, and as someone wise on here said to me, not necessarily in these exact words, be unto yourself true. If you like your poetry that's the most important thing - unless of course you harbour dreams of getting them published. Then you have to pander to the masses. 7

Glorious

Very nice mouthfull, love the style, great talent and wonderfullllll subject.

No real movement for me but it does represent what you can do with words.

Excellent control, and the title fits the body well. -8-. <3 Jason

The car alarm screaming more, more, more, is a bit of a what the fuck, but I was enjoying it for the most part. Random Fact: Swans are vicious fighters(Bloody and to the death).

I'm just going to be worthless and say I enjoyed this. <3 Jason

I actually really like the more more more -- it makes the whole pome for me. Because with the "they too must make their honest living" you wander dangerously close to hallmark/maudlin and the more more more yanks the reader back violently from that precipice.

Well, even though your grammar's terrible, you do certainly know how to rhyme. Many of the lines not only rhyme on the ends but have rhymes inside them! With all the breathtaking double rhymes I was getting my hopes up for a triple rhyme before the end...but perhaps you'll pull that off in your next opus.

Something about this catches my attention. It has a quaintness that I like. this: "Absorb and then cannot be found" is not understandable english. Do you mean, "until they are absorbed and cannot be found"? "I could build them in pots" might better be "or I could build them up in pots", then it would make more sense. The "or" is important -- so that you're listing two alternative ways you could deal with the crushed roses, rather than mixing together two contradictory actions as though they were one. there's something missing between "one by one" and "drop by drop" one by one refers to the roses, and drop by drop presumably to honey. So you need to tell us how we get to the honey from the roses collected into pots.

Very creative...So, I can look for the headline: Local man saves tiny town through poetry. -10

Finally, someone on this site with a brain & talent,the only nasty comments U will get is from those you speak of.....deeply enjoyed this one, you should be doing stand up though.....Def poetry Jam would love you....Ella

keep it up....I'll always read what u got cummin'

Hey Damien, nice piece, have u ever considered stand up in NY? I could set u up w/ some people that would love ya....set u in motion to where u should be already on TV...get in touch ellasona@yahoo.com

"Model of truth" is superfluous Third stanza can go.

Just think how much better this poem would have been if you'd spent 30 minutes on it instead of 15. What were you so busy doing that you couldn't spend another fifteen minutes and made it twice as good? I'll bet you were whacking off to either the blonde daughter or the gothish daughter, or both, on Rosanne.

Congratulations, this is the man you just called a brainiac: http://rockmage.com/biography.jsp Get bored and leave soon.