| Re: Semen Quasi-Sonnet by Sashaclese |
INTRANSIT 204.110.228.6 |
16-Apr-05/3:43 PM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
INTRANSIT 204.110.228.6 |
16-Apr-05/6:03 PM |
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Racist!!! wiggety white guys. lol. you used -brick- twice. Better than MY beat poem was.
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| Re: Requiem for Faith by James Rykelangeli |
INTRANSIT 204.110.228.6 |
16-Apr-05/6:07 PM |
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I didn't like -azure-. otherwise, it raged like king kong.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
jessicazee 152.163.100.135 |
16-Apr-05/9:42 PM |
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I read it alound to my cat, he licked himself. Love it. 9
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| Re: Birmingham gardens by INTRANSIT |
jessicazee 152.163.100.135 |
16-Apr-05/11:09 PM |
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I think the first phrase should have a question mark, and I also want to hear real colors of the "brightly colored fish" at the end (i.e. fuschia? chartreuse?) but wholly I'm lovin' this. 9.4
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| Re: Blinking by zodiac |
[mojo] 80.58.44.109 |
17-Apr-05/1:24 AM |
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I think I get it. And i'm sure i like it. I see the innocence of childhood being reinterpreted into the freedom of adult nudity. Or something. Either way it took some bravery yo tag a cock line onto a the end of a worthy poem, and for that you deserve at least some respect. 9. PS Reminds me my own effort at freedom here: http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=123481
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
zodiac 212.118.19.111 |
17-Apr-05/5:45 AM |
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I'm glad you've gotten that out of your system.
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| Re: Birmingham gardens by INTRANSIT |
zodiac 212.118.19.111 |
17-Apr-05/5:53 AM |
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I think "the death of fall" is misused - and didn't you just say it was spring? And didn't you skip a season? Also, "exchange" alone is better than "exchange rate" (which is too cute). And what's up with the end?
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| Re: We Were Burnouts by jessicazee |
zodiac 212.118.19.111 |
17-Apr-05/5:55 AM |
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You're really getting very good. The loose parts in the middle are made up for by that amazing last sentence.
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| Re: the Dreamer by darylchew |
zodiac 212.118.19.111 |
17-Apr-05/5:57 AM |
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Sorry, but this is the one-thousandth time this exact poem has been posted on poemranker. Or sung by the Beatles, for that matter. If you want to write about something original (and you should), why not write about somebody who DOES something?
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| Re: Reincarnation by Dovina |
zodiac 212.118.19.111 |
17-Apr-05/6:00 AM |
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Not to be irrelevant, but I've always wondered what's the point of reincarnating if you don't remember your past lives. Do you think some people do? If not, how do you think a past self affects somebody's present self? If it doesn't (or doesn't much), isn't it pretty much the same thing as not being reincarnated?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
zodiac 212.118.19.111 |
17-Apr-05/6:05 AM |
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Drop the line at the end if you want this to even start being considered as a real poem.
Also, write about a real situation. I know you think you are, but you're not. Make your hero/narrator/whatever walking somewhere, doing something, having a realistic conversation - something to tie things together and be more than just whatever goth cliches popped into your head as you were writing. So you've got a dinner party in there somewhere; use that. Start with a person cleaning stains out of the carpet. Really. Start with the line, "She/he scrubbed stains in the carpet" and go from there. Drop 90% of the lines in this poem that aren't about getting ready for dinner parties. I'm absolutely serious. Even Eliot made his rambling egos WALKING somewhere.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
zodiac 212.118.19.111 |
17-Apr-05/6:07 AM |
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"rotates a swirl", what? Do you really mean something like "swirls a swirl" or "spins a spin"? Seems like a waste of precious haikullables to me.
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| Re: We Were Burnouts by jessicazee |
Dovina 69.175.6.101 |
17-Apr-05/9:45 AM |
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Some spelling mistakes in the last few lines.
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| Re: Birmingham gardens by INTRANSIT |
richa 81.178.223.135 |
17-Apr-05/10:45 AM |
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Exchange rate doesn't work. The 'exchange rate' exists and is altering rather than coming on the scene (I wait for the exchange rate). The light rewards fishes because they are bright rather than because they cause no harm. Other than that good. Nice to see a block of text.
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| Re: Holding on for Jesus by Everyone |
Goad 80.132.241.75 |
17-Apr-05/10:55 AM |
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A perfectly laid trap, neatly snaring the obvious prey. In 9 minutes, lolololol. I doff my fez & scratch my bald spot to you sir.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Dovina 69.175.6.101 |
17-Apr-05/11:24 AM |
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| Re: Looking Over the Blueprints by somemorepoetry |
INTRANSIT 204.110.228.254 |
17-Apr-05/12:49 PM |
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I actually get the feeling that it's a small boy watching his older brother with a pencil and paper while he himself draws with a crayon next to him, thinking about how the future will/might unfold. Both boys are young 6/8 maybe. I really like this. upgraded.
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| Re: Birmingham gardens by INTRANSIT |
Ranger 131.251.0.55 |
17-Apr-05/12:53 PM |
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Lovely, I particularly liked the fountain and the exchange of stone to grass.
The Stock Exchange on weed...that would be something worth seeing
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| Re: The Layer of Black by emilyowey |
Ranger 131.251.0.55 |
17-Apr-05/12:55 PM |
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As a student I feel obliged to be wracked with guilt at not being black, impoverished or in prison (or any combination thereof)
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