nentwined
on The folded ways your eyes cave by Shardik
27 Jun 2008, 7:22 PM
Villanelles have definitely made me feel this way. Firefox doesn't know what a villanelle is. But it doesn't know what Firefox is, either, unless I capitalize it. I feel ... guided. 6 for fun.
meh.
definitely lyric; and kind of fun. but not really interesting. I can imagine this set to music, though, and people singing along.
ex-fix-i-ate pwnage.
oh, shardik.
ouch.
it's -> its
two-by-fours (I think)
...
typical drifting away poem. some nice imagery--the poem could benefit by focusing on that and making it more coherent.
...
strange. yes, strange.
the tears aren't for him, really. and this poem isn't for anyone but the writer.
"I know this sounds unbelievably cheesy,
And extremely cliche,"
ding! :)
No real offense intended, and nothing to do with your situation, just the poem--it's a pimple, through and through.
"liking me for who it is I want to be." <-- an interesting line
"I need you like a fat kid needs cake," <-- less so, unless that's the feel you're going for throughout
plausible.
funny, but not funny enough. :)
I'm with impert&ent. Except no real points for the tractor in the title. Congratulations! :)
less drugs? different drugs? more drugs? I don't know! Aieeeeee!
classic.
If an engine won't run, inject some of your own blood into its carburetor. Good try. I think the resumption of SEARCH would make a better try.
As for anti-grav and VTOL, they look like results of the same technology. I don't know what FTL is. The last line is funny
At least you're back and ranting erotically. I wish more were. "de-frost" is like putting Frost down. Hopefully you don't mean to; why not "defrost"?
period after slogans, else the last line has wrong meaning. I get a few bites to chew on here from a beast I cannot identify.
Pessimists have the advantage of seldom becoming discouraged by a bad happening. Enjoy unhappiness, it seems quite comforting. I think you can make this more unhappy be cutting the "in"s in lines 6 and 7 and other such words that don't depress.