regarding some deleted poem...	Lenore 64.252.96.20	29-Jun-05/7:26 PM
Sounds like fishing to me.
Re: regret by elderking	Lenore 64.252.96.20	29-Jun-05/7:28 PM
Sad and irritating.
Re: Drowsy by elderking	Lenore 64.252.96.20	29-Jun-05/7:30 PM
Yeah, try waltzy.
regarding some deleted poem...	Lenore 64.252.96.20	29-Jun-05/7:33 PM
Vivid!
Re: The choices we make by darby pyn	Bankrupt_Word_Clerk 69.231.25.124	30-Jun-05/1:32 AM
you have a lot of words in your mind. I think you may not lack intellect. I am not a good poet, but I do something with all of my poems that i think you should do: Think about each line and what it's saying. "inoculate the soars with rhetorical cement" inoculate (make immune through the introduction of a micro-organism or virus in a cultured medium) "make immune the sores with rhetorical cement" so, the disease you are trying to prevent is rhetorical cement? okay, rhetorical means what? Something said to produce an effect rather than a response. so rhetorical cement is what? cement that is cemented to produce an effect rather than a response? I am not good enough to try rhyming anything. I don't have a strong enough vocabulary to reach for rhyme AND rhythm...and I've been reading and writing for a long time.
Re: Daytime TV by jessicazee	jessicazee 205.188.116.139	30-Jun-05/1:48 AM
Don't take this one too seriously. Just trying to make fun haiku.
Re: The Object of the Game by Dovina	zodiac 194.165.157.165	30-Jun-05/3:09 AM
First and second lines make it sound like the women are the ones hurting, not the man. You can say, "of implies ownership, his hurt simply BELONGS to the women." Whatever. If at some level you're taking this comment seriously then, no, the missing punctuation would not fix it. Lines two and three make it sound like either the shallow lovers are hurting or the women somehow wronged him of shallow lovers, neither of which is what you mean. You can say, ibid. My answer: ibid. Second stanza continues the other-people-wounded-not-him. And why do you talk like such an android in your poetry? I expect you at any moment to say, haltingly, "Is this...the thing... that... humans call... love...?"
Re: Daytime TV by jessicazee	zodiac 194.165.157.165	30-Jun-05/3:37 AM
Great, just great. SOMEBODY: Haikus are supposed to be about nature! zodiac: You can eat it.
Re: Try Thinking Too by Bankrupt_Word_Clerk	zodiac 194.165.157.165	30-Jun-05/3:39 AM
I've spent the last fifteen minutes thinking about how intelligence may be like a dog with mange. I've got nothing. Sounds cool, though.
Re: Crying Tears with No Home by TLRufener	zodiac 194.165.157.165	30-Jun-05/3:42 AM
"For someone who has cut his life short." "It was just his time to move on." "When it seems that his life just got going." "He had planned so many times to explore," "Or meeting the love of his life." "Struck down in his prime without a second glance," "To fulfill its lifelong dream."
Re: Try Thinking Too by Bankrupt_Word_Clerk	Dovina 12.72.7.153	30-Jun-05/8:00 AM
So she has a glossy coat of passion covering mangy skin of unintelligence. Sounds like a passionate way of saying it.
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 12.72.7.153	30-Jun-05/8:10 AM
A good showing of the importance of moments, a second that counts more than a year.
Re: Gratitude by Dovina	Shuushin 147.154.235.53	30-Jun-05/10:30 AM
"eats" is a weak descriptor - lost opportunity at best. Might want to tell me what it is you saw in his face that convinced you how he found the grass to be tastey. Conceptually, there is a wide range of things the living can do that the dead cannot - I have trouble pulling a subset of that from the grazing, running and matings of a cow. I think you can do it - but not by just telling me to.
Re: Daytime TV by jessicazee	Shuushin 147.154.235.53	30-Jun-05/10:32 AM
I would end with the "I have to shower" stanza, or possibly, just kill the last one. Otherwise it is fairly nice.
Re: Falling from grace (pt1) by sk8rs_rule_all	Shuushin 147.154.235.53	30-Jun-05/10:40 AM
please don't describe a feeling with the word "feeling" in the description. And don't say something inexpressible and then try to express it. That's all I have for you - I can't barely get through the rest of it. Sorry. My God - use your words more precisely, use a simile or a metaphor. Make a poem for christs sake instead of an outline for one. Never use "so" again.
Re: Uncorked by impert&ent	Dovina 12.72.6.245	30-Jun-05/3:59 PM
Go home alone? The ending is weak if all you mean is that you unscrewed a bottle cap.
regarding some deleted poem...	Craychus 164.78.252.56	30-Jun-05/7:01 PM
thank you for the comments and criticisms. i do agree with all of you regarding this poem. after reading, it does seem pretty awful and disorganised. i won't remove it as a reminder.
Re: After A Love is Lost by pinay_miss_azn	sliver 172.191.199.172	30-Jun-05/10:34 PM
When I first started reading this I wanted to tell you that the pain will subside... Scars are just something to brag about in a way.
Re: You and I by pinay_miss_azn	sliver 172.191.199.172	30-Jun-05/10:38 PM
So few really look in the eyes, it's always something else.Yet blue eyes can be a harbour for a lost soul.
Re: All Alone by pinay_miss_azn	sliver 172.191.199.172	30-Jun-05/10:40 PM
This one doesn't seem to hold your essence like the last two of yours I've read, something's missing.