Nuit
on What's my favorite scar. by darby pyn
1 Jul 2005, 12:21 PM
Very well written.
I enjoyed this.
well done.
very vivid.
well done. 8
You have totally changed the poem and called it an edit. I think it's better to post a new poem.
Anyway, this depends on a reader's knowledge of allusions. Maybe it means something to someone else.
I'd like it better with good punctuation and complete sentences and line breaks at meaningful locations. As is, you can know if a man's a guitar player by feeling the tips of his fingers on the left hand. And I can see from the last lines you're angry. But I think it would be stronger with fewer words.
illution - us a spell checker.
I think the voice of the first verse could be carried through to greater effect. Toward the end it get whiney and loses impact.
"idiot" in the title detracts. Line 2 could be left out without loss.
Those waltz days,
Those do-not-run days,
that lounge... Yeah! Great mood-ivation.
Oh, my, but haven't we been a busy boy with our new rating system. 0's all around. Yes chuck, I'd like to buy a ZERO. Do you suppose that's a bit harsh? really when you consider it, hell man, who are you to crush these smouldering dreams into ash, at least let them snuff themselves out with a woebegotten two. eh?I kept paging back on your voting history... Damn, man, you've crushed alot of spirit.
That's a new way of getting your poems read!
Love it.
dammit, you could have at least tried
One of the better whiteley poems I've read. Vorderman will miss the pay cheque more.
Line one is awesome.
Heartfelt and sentmental but your problem lies in not what you want to say, just the way you dilute it with forced rhyme.
Force what you wanna say first. Allegiance to rhyme should not dictate the poem.
THe last 2 stanzas are so adult in their honesty and deliverance. LIne 4 is funny but out of place. I would change stanza one and get rid of the rhyme.
Lines 6/8-end are fab.
Rockmage - this isnt BAAAADDDDDD.
It really isn't.
Would you please be a gentlemen and say why you think so?
I admit the language is heavy handed in parts but like me she's trying to express herself and pick subjects hardly tackled.
I see a lot of beauty in the stuff you write and thats the real you not this pseudonym(s) of yours.
Worth a 6 at least.
terrible
Death as an orgasm'ng woman. That's what I got. Have trouble with the sutured woodwind though.
I think it's a great grouping.