Re: RAGGED TIME MELODY by Joshua_Tree	Dovina 69.175.32.185	28-Jun-05/10:22 AM
A song with bad words, tune, and beat is a bad song. Let's hope you're singing a good song about a bad song.
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 69.175.32.185	28-Jun-05/10:28 AM
Good arch of life poem. "Coaling" I don't think is right. Maybe he worked in a coal mine. Is that why his face was black? I like CS Lewis.
Re: The blue rose by Mona Lisa	Dovina 69.175.32.185	28-Jun-05/10:33 AM
Perhaps a prose poem, but not even that. It's a short story, and not a bad one.
Re: fireflies die too by hendrimike	Dovina 69.175.32.185	28-Jun-05/10:42 AM
I like the flow and feel of this, but it has glitches and cliches, like "jubilent joy" and "what the world learned."
Re: The Object of the Game by Dovina	darby pyn 207.200.116.130	28-Jun-05/11:33 AM
well done. this was very good. 8
Re: Father’s Day by Dovina	Joshua_Tree 68.230.105.101	28-Jun-05/11:55 AM
Subsequent reads turned up more posibilities than I had noticed at first.
Re: Divorcing Tennessee by Dovina	Joshua_Tree 68.230.105.101	28-Jun-05/12:15 PM
I would rather read the poem than the criticism, so I'll not join any existing fracas below. You have made up words, used an unnecessary archaism, butchered punctuation, thrown capitalization completely out the penthouse window... and it was worth it. The poem reads, at least to someone who has never been to Tennessee, like it was written by someone from Tennessee, or rather that these were the raw thoughts of the person failing to assure themselves of their decision. I love the beauty and artistry of the language as much as anyone, but I also love its flexibility. Someone with the skill for expression should be allowed to make the determination for themselves whether to use formal or free flowing styles to reflect their subject matter. Any elitist to say otherwise can go to Barstow as far as I'm concerned.
regarding some deleted poem...	ALChemy 65.188.90.53	28-Jun-05/2:30 PM
Sounds like Dr Seuss overdosed on prozac.
Re: The Object of the Game by Dovina	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	28-Jun-05/8:48 PM
Unfortunately not an 8, you lose me with the last line...cannot imagine that his treasure stands for masochistic need. Surely it can't be that simple? There's a good ring to it, especially the first stanza.
regarding some deleted poem...	xxx 68.166.37.185	28-Jun-05/8:48 PM
Interesting... But it does not work for me.
Re: WHAT KIND OF FOOL ARE YOU? by Joshua_Tree	Joshua_Tree 68.230.105.101	28-Jun-05/11:37 PM
I'm not posting anything here that I've written more recently than 3 years ago, so if someone thinks that I'm still that vulnerable, they're probably wrong. All snarky comments will be deleted. This is my "B" material. If I receive some constructive criticism that helps me turn it into good poetry then I'm happy with it. I'll not cast any pearls before rockmage.
regarding some deleted poem...	Joshua_Tree 68.230.105.101	28-Jun-05/11:56 PM
You gave me just enough clues to figure it out, which means that its probably too obscure for most people. So it's -2 for obscurity, +2 for subjective pleasure at the comments so far. Some off-hand mention of Texas might be appropriate. The great thing about this scene is that it paints celebrity and domesticity at the same time. The recurring "frame(s)" make it clear that we are not simply dealing with new stanzas of a poem, but with a jerky, disorienting view of an enormous event made paradoxically more grievious by the limitations of the medium by which we are permitted to view it. The line, "an icon yielding to humanity, crawling," is exceptional.
regarding some deleted poem...	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	29-Jun-05/4:55 AM
This is so good, worthy an 8 or even a 9. And marred so much from those fokkin' capitals, W.H.Y.
Re: Drowsy by elderking	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	29-Jun-05/5:14 AM
>>those waltz<< Not logical.
Re: regret by elderking	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	29-Jun-05/5:16 AM
Get rid of those fokkin' dots!
regarding some deleted poem...	xxx 68.166.37.185	29-Jun-05/6:26 AM
what were you thinking? have you lost your abilitiy?
Re: The Object of the Game by Dovina	Shuushin 147.154.235.52	29-Jun-05/6:44 AM
First stanza is the lovely part (partly for the subtle rhyme of "him" and "morning") - I'd pull the two "of"s though and probably the "and". The rest is another perspective, another voice that dilutes the first taste. Smacks of triteness. Put the first stanza in your "unfinished" folder and wait for the full inspiration.
regarding some deleted poem...	Shuushin 147.154.235.52	29-Jun-05/1:33 PM
works for me.
regarding some deleted poem...	Shuushin 147.154.235.52	29-Jun-05/1:39 PM
Coaling in this context is the covering of your skin with soot from his black hands? This works for the first part, but in the second - not as well.
Re: Flicking by INTRANSIT	Shuushin 147.154.235.52	29-Jun-05/1:45 PM
nice. I'll never get used to your before comma spacing though.