Dovina
on some deleted poem
28 Jun 2005, 10:28 AM
Good arch of life poem. "Coaling" I don't think is right. Maybe he worked in a coal mine. Is that why his face was black? I like CS Lewis.
Perhaps a prose poem, but not even that. It's a short story, and not a bad one.
I like the flow and feel of this, but it has glitches and cliches, like "jubilent joy" and "what the world learned."
well done.
this was very good. 8
I would rather read the poem than the criticism, so I'll not join any existing fracas below. You have made up words, used an unnecessary archaism, butchered punctuation, thrown capitalization completely out the penthouse window... and it was worth it.
The poem reads, at least to someone who has never been to Tennessee, like it was written by someone from Tennessee, or rather that these were the raw thoughts of the person failing to assure themselves of their decision.
I love the beauty and artistry of the language as much as anyone, but I also love its flexibility. Someone with the skill for expression should be allowed to make the determination for themselves whether to use formal or free flowing styles to reflect their subject matter. Any elitist to say otherwise can go to Barstow as far as I'm concerned.
Sounds like Dr Seuss overdosed on prozac.
what were you thinking?
have you lost your abilitiy?
A song with bad words, tune, and beat is a bad song. Let's hope you're singing a good song about a bad song.
Subsequent reads turned up more posibilities than I had noticed at first.
I'm not posting anything here that I've written more recently than 3 years ago, so if someone thinks that I'm still that vulnerable, they're probably wrong.
All snarky comments will be deleted. This is my "B" material. If I receive some constructive criticism that helps me turn it into good poetry then I'm happy with it. I'll not cast any pearls before rockmage.
You gave me just enough clues to figure it out, which means that its probably too obscure for most people. So it's -2 for obscurity, +2 for subjective pleasure at the comments so far. Some off-hand mention of Texas might be appropriate.
The great thing about this scene is that it paints celebrity and domesticity at the same time. The recurring "frame(s)" make it clear that we are not simply dealing with new stanzas of a poem, but with a jerky, disorienting view of an enormous event made paradoxically more grievious by the limitations of the medium by which we are permitted to view it. The line, "an icon yielding to humanity, crawling," is exceptional.
Unfortunately not an 8, you lose me with the last line...cannot imagine that his treasure stands for masochistic need. Surely it can't be that simple?
There's a good ring to it, especially the first stanza.
Interesting...
But it does not work for me.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
29 Jun 2005, 4:55 AM
This is so good, worthy an 8 or even a 9. And marred so much from those fokkin' capitals, W.H.Y.
First stanza is the lovely part (partly for the subtle rhyme of "him" and "morning") - I'd pull the two "of"s though and probably the "and".
The rest is another perspective, another voice that dilutes the first taste. Smacks of triteness.
Put the first stanza in your "unfinished" folder and wait for the full inspiration.
works for me.
Coaling in this context is the covering of your skin with soot from his black hands? This works for the first part, but in the second - not as well.