LilMsLadyPoet
on The Shape of Shadows by MacFrantic
31 Jul 2005, 7:16 AM
This is the first lyrics posting that I actually kind of liked!
I love this...I think I would change "I would most appreciate it
If you considered returning" to 'if you'd consider returning'.
and "before you get it back to me" perhaps would change 'get' to 'give', or 'return it to me?'
Expierience would say to use spell checker before posting...(just a hint!) Needs a comma after blood. A period ofter tears. That said...I just don't see the point of this one.
"It's a dark world,
or is it?
Can reality be so explicit?" <could be cut out, without any ill effects.
Check this over for spelling. I understand not using punctuation rather than using it in the wrong way...but this needs puntuaction to clear it up.
"and i am not
anything, the love you gave me once"
work on the places where you break...a break was not called for here. Work on the format. I like some of the runs of thought and wording...with some work this would be a good piece.
nice porn piece, it would get a 10 with pictures!
Your poems are puzzle boxes that don't belong in most parts of today's sociaty. Nowadays people want things served on a silver platter. You've got to trick folks into working their brains.
I am going to take the time, because I really like this one, so full of truths, and so naked you bore yourself.
I use to> I used to (corrected), the sparse use of commas needs fixing. It needs many commas, (end of line 2)and periods at the ends of sentences. "be held in your arms(.)" 'your quirky laugh'(.) or (;)
'love, that we once shared'> take out the comma.
'and wish you understood how deep it was'> and wished you understood...and wish you could have understood (?)...needs a change here.
The use of 'became' became monotonous, consider mixing in some other words in place of 'became'. ("I used to" did not get on my nerves with its repeated use, but maybe you could use other words in some places of its use, as well.> "I once" or "Once, I" "In time's past")
"and now, here you were"> now says now, so should be "and now, here you are", or change, to> "and then, there you were"
I was so desperate,
not to give up all those years > I was so desperate to not give up all those years. (take out the comma.)
became bitterness, and I feel alone> became/felt or becomes/ feel.
Drug became his mistress...get rid of "her" or him, or you will be the next casualty. (And maybe losing you will be the push he needs to get the help he needs, and Maybe, somewhere down the road, he will find his way back to himself...and you. Maybe then you won't want to devote the time to him, maybe you will. Take care of you...if you don't, who will? And if not for yourself, then for your child.)I gave you an 8 for content.
nice...you should send this to children's hospital
Reads well if read rather fast...why have the choice of we never choose, indeed! Doing nothing IS doing something...it is a choice, and feeds some thing or another, some side or another, promotes one thing or another...as does silence! (Especially when you want to scream!)
Ditch the third verse. This is a thinkers poem. There's no place for melodrama. The last line isn't much of a revelation and it could end many different ways and still be as thought prevoking. ie. "is to not be alone" or "will never be shown" or "is the journey your on". The answer of answers should be a big surprise even if it's not.
how we go from resolution made to more resolute and cannot turn back,... learn those who can make it work they should not foul their chance for coming back after the line is drawn may only earn another hard- put line... love this....
Ilike the simplicity of the read to the lips,
what is poetry, if not the tongue, the lips and the head in unism...
how much this speaks to me, even john K never can tell, only that for me I freely give up on my only me my tears are dripping full blast rain on my fears I losing my love.... This reads me a hope for another try may tomorrow would just erase all my fears, are not poems all in all about magic, the magic of words to make things come through to true
I detest the rhymes they puntuate the flow of the rhythm and meaning of this poem , they draw you from meaning to mere sound
I hate these lines beween us, but see them too. The other line could be death, but could be the anti-line. I hope so.
Some inconsistencies in punctuation:
leaves'
spoke.
rustling.
But what are you saying?
I feel it. Good.
If we all followed your advice in the first verse, we'd do better. Good;
This is very funny and trqgic. I've tolerated people like this. It's beyond pathetic. Good.