granted - its rough as a rhinos arse please help.

oh I hope that you are not talking from experience.. but if you are this is very vivid and very emotional.. been there on the other side of the fit and I no it's no fun actually it's pretty scary stuff.. but well done in description! Penny

lol...we are all there some deeper then others.. let each word flow till they fill the page Penny

wow, so true how many blame God first then other people places and things... forgiveness is the way to heaven? makes one think about the bitterness eating at the hearts of many indiviguals.. great Penny

maybe needs a little more descriptive wording to get a really good mental picture penny

I really really like this V1: Inside of us all A lingering loneliness After the fall I'm sure it will find us Of this I'm... Breaking away Finding a darker place [FINDING A DARKENED PLACE] Finding some shade where I can Rest my head and rest my anger Chorus: You know it's true The truth that makes my blood turn black You know it's true And if I could I'd give the truth right back [I LOVE THESE 2] Finding all the broken corners Where you left us all behind To save yourself From the darkness The shape of shadows in your mind V2: Lead me today Follow the road that cuts my heels Far and away I'm sure we'll escape now Of this I'm... Lying in silence Fearful of sight and pain[FEARFUL OF MY INVASIVE PAIN] Finding the point where all these Ghosts came from to walk in my dreams [ THIS NEEDS A LITTLE WORK IT DOESN'T FLOW WELL] SEARCHING FOR THE POINT, ALL THESE GHOSTS INVADED OR CRASHED MY DREAMS hope I could help.. this was very good Penny

'while you spin in your skin' - best part.

Great title.

Cool. leaves', not leaves.

"the burdens you've borne"

From what I can decipher. Your lover had crabs. So you "snapped" her neck and hid her corpse in a dumpster or something somewhere downtown. I've alerted the authorities. the Feds should be knocking on your door any second now. The first verse is pretty good but then you get all psycho. Seems to be a trend among young male poem posters. Though you may not be either young or male for all I know.

God spoke us into being so that some day we might return the favor.

douche.

Â¥ou should be stapled to a cucumber and lukewarmed.

Great flow. The last verse doesn't blend as well with the others. Your talking about your life in the first three verses and then you start complaining about smug people with no fashion sense and it takes away from how personal and exposing the poem is in regards to you. Make the last verse more about you and less about them. Otherwise a really good poem.

Another possible title: Mouths wide shut. I loved the first two and last two lines. The others kinda reminded me of the theme song from Pocahontas.

Lovely. I enjoyed your poem, it was a pleasure.

"To wonder of my pedigree"??? Have you nothing more worth wondering about?

Strange how an act done in seeming rightness turns sour. Most people never forgive. They either go on pretending or they leave.

Spelling errors abound, but mostly you need to refine what you want to say.