MacFrantic
on SO LONG MY BELOVED by prettyktm
2 Aug 2005, 10:54 AM
Not too many soldiers pussy out like this, and please don't just repeat in the last stanza what you said in the first stanza. I know it's free verse, but the structuring is pitiful. *4*
How old are you? Are you expecting positive feedback with this load? Just use the word "fuck", nobody holds it against you. What we do hold against you is your poor spelling, rudimentary grammar, and total lack of poetic understanding. "Tragedic"? COME ON! *2*
Better englsih translation and you've got a solid bedtime story here. *7*
englsih? that's ironic.
The first stanza ruined it for me, sorry. *6*
Ha! Always an uphill...what's the word? Darn it! *9*
Strange...yet handy as an all-purpose stain remover and weather-resistant wood finish. *8*
A bit jumbled. *7*
Glorious imagery. Just great. Loved it all the way. *10*
Absurd! Wonderfully Potato! Superb poem without the potatoing as well! *10*
That was great.
so imaginative.
your stuff is good, I would thot of u better. Too bad you don't comment as good as you write.
One of the best ending stanzas I have ever read, but the first one could use a bit of work. It makes sense, but the change in tenses and the last line-in the first stanza-is a bit grey. *9*
It would be more intriguing if it wasn't written like it just came out of "Where the Sidewalk Ends". *7*
Very good! I loved "before your blood congeals into hate". Could've done without the misplaced last line. *9*
Nice work.
an honest description. 8
I LOVE the last 4 lines! (Lines 5-8 have a good cadence/rythm, as do the last four lines)
their> there clinched> clenched? my woos> ? made up word? (I've been known to use them) or woes? if so then next words don't rhyme. ? I'm too tired to look up> hypocrisy looks mispelled, but it might just not be.
This is a strange piece for me to digest...The first stanza makes No sense to me at all, but then the rest seems connected and I decide I like it...so disconnected, and at places hard to read> hard to know where to pause, break, start, stop. You use punctuation, so maybe doing some cleaning up on that would help to clarify some places.
Example>
'Iâm the one she had not the one who was chosen'
Is this to read?: 'Iâm the one she had, not the one who was chosen.'
You use periods, but no capitalization, other than 'I' and 'A-frame', maybe you would consider fixing that.
Besides the technical stuff, and the fact that I am facinated by the strangness of the wording, aaaaaand that I have decided I like alot of the lines...I am not sure what this is even about, or what it is saying...all I know is that it leaves a sour taste in my mouth, a feeling of morbid facination with what ever in the world is going on in this piece- which I suppose is the intent...but.. there is more to it than that, a deeper thing in there...but what? I am not sure! I gave you a fairly high score in spite of what all is wrong with this piece...because I have the feeling there is a gem in there.
possesseions> spelling error. Other than that...cool!
My fav:"Perhaps that's why I hord the world in words
with hope that when I die
the sum suggests" <I adore this...belongs in the "Writer's Anthem". No, there is no such thing, just in my mind, when I run across words that say our passion, dive, and purpose so eloquently)