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Rapid Eye Movement (Free verse) by wilco Harsh words and strained voices aside,
there will be no pain
in the eventual cease-fire of sleep.
Nothing makes the night seem lonely
like the soft fluttering
in her shuttered eyes.
In color schemes of shadow black
her silhouette groans and turns
and returns to silent slumber.
Up the ladder:
Mariana
Down the ladder:
Monday night football, Tueasday? War.
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.878788
Posted: August 24, 2004 6:51 PM PDT; Last modified: August 24, 2004 6:51 PM PDTWeighted score: 6.8781576 Overall Rank: 272 Comments:
[9]
Dovina @ 24.52.157.176
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24-Aug-04/7:12 PM
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Reply
Eyes moving about while the lids are closed. She's upset. I hate those kinda nights. Good poem.
Nothing makes the night seem lonely "like" the soft fluttering in her shuttered eyes. This structure seems awkward to me. I know that "Nothing says lovin' like something from the oven and Pillsbury says it best" but, perhaps, a more direct approach to say this important thing? "The night is made more lonely by the soft, etc." You are the creator. Let not my will but yours be done. Even with the slightly uncomfortable second coming (stanza), it is very evocative of 13 years of nights spent with my ex-wife. -10-
*10*
Mostly like it, specially the first stanza, the ending felt somewhat abrupt though. Blessed with nine.
I think the title is too ... blatant ... for the rest of the poem. The poem is very nice. Agree with the semi-awkwardness of "nothing makes the night seem lonely like". Maybe just "nothing makes the night more lonely than"? Thoughts.
I agree that the title is a bit too blatant. I thought about calling it R.E.M., but that seemed wrong for obvious reasons. If you can think of something I'd love to hear it. That one line doesn't seem to read awkwardly to me...maybe it's my southern..ness. I don't know. Either way, I'll play with it and see about a revamped version.I'll think on the title too. Thanks.
Lovely. I enjoyed your poem, it was a pleasure.
I agree with Dan. "Nothing makes the night so lonely"
seems rather awkward. Perhaps, "Nothing mkes the dream alive" Just a thought and a ten by my reckoning.
That is an appalling idea, you dicksplat>
Pretty pretentious.
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