poemranker ::Rapid Eye Movement by wilco

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Free verse № 110963

Rapid Eye Movement

by wilco

Member since 2004 · Posted 24 Aug 2004 · 10 comments

Harsh words and strained voices aside, there will be no pain in the eventual cease-fire of sleep. Nothing makes the night seem lonely like the soft fluttering in her shuttered eyes. In color schemes of shadow black her silhouette groans and turns and returns to silent slumber.

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33 votes so far. Yours would make 34.33 votes so far

10 comments

[9] Dovina 24-Aug-04/7:12 PM Reply
Eyes moving about while the lids are closed. She's upset. I hate those kinda nights. Good poem.
[10] Dan garcia-Black 24-Aug-04/7:56 PM Reply
Nothing makes the night seem lonely "like" the soft fluttering in her shuttered eyes. This structure seems awkward to me. I know that "Nothing says lovin' like something from the oven and Pillsbury says it best" but, perhaps, a more direct approach to say this important thing? "The night is made more lonely by the soft, etc." You are the creator. Let not my will but yours be done. Even with the slightly uncomfortable second coming (stanza), it is very evocative of 13 years of nights spent with my ex-wife. -10-
[10] FadedHappiness 25-Aug-04/4:29 AM Reply
*10*
[9] SupremeDreamer 25-Aug-04/6:52 AM Reply
Mostly like it, specially the first stanza, the ending felt somewhat abrupt though. Blessed with nine.
[8] nentwined 27-Aug-04/2:49 PM Reply
I think the title is too ... blatant ... for the rest of the poem. The poem is very nice. Agree with the semi-awkwardness of "nothing makes the night seem lonely like". Maybe just "nothing makes the night more lonely than"? Thoughts.
[n/a] wilco › nentwined 27-Aug-04/5:37 PM Reply
I agree that the title is a bit too blatant. I thought about calling it R.E.M., but that seemed wrong for obvious reasons. If you can think of something I'd love to hear it. That one line doesn't seem to read awkwardly to me...maybe it's my southern..ness. I don't know. Either way, I'll play with it and see about a revamped version.I'll think on the title too. Thanks.
[10] Niphredil 2-Aug-05/4:28 AM Reply
Lovely. I enjoyed your poem, it was a pleasure.
[10] Quarton 17-Sep-05/9:43 AM Reply
I agree with Dan. "Nothing makes the night so lonely"
seems rather awkward. Perhaps, "Nothing mkes the dream alive" Just a thought and a ten by my reckoning.
[0] Stephen Robins › Quarton 19-May-06/8:08 AM Reply
That is an appalling idea, you dicksplat>
[1] conny lingers 7-Feb-21/12:14 PM Reply
Pretty pretentious.