Dovina
on My First Boyfriend by jessicazee
6 Oct 2005, 4:30 PM
From "your waterbed sucked me in" on it's good.
Don't worry Dovina we still think your a sex object.
I wish I could edit without going to the top of the most recent list.
stoicism is so similar to apathy that the opening lines seem trivial.
Vile existance and survival are not similar, making the next few lines wonderment.
"Steadfast mistaken for diffidence" is a good line.
The last line seems to change the subject.
How can words correspomd to doorways? Something I'm not getting.
How can reality lie?
I give birth almost every morning during the half-sleep after dream and before reason. Maybe this is not what you mean, doesn't matter.
Keep the first three stanzas, changing the last line of the third. Keep the last two stanzas, but change the made you up line. Then you might just have something.
awesome flow there were just a couple lines that seemed forced to keep in rhyme, make her dead and destroyed no doubt are the 2 that really didnt work for me. other than that i'm really impressed, its just so smooth and complete.
If I may make a suggestion, try rewriting this poem avoiding any rhymes you've ever heard, ever, in any poem or song. Ever. This would mean skipping go and know, pain and gain, find and mind, and probably eyes and ties, to say the least. Finding new rhymes will also help you to avoid those unfortunate cliches (since there's only so many places to lay your weary head, and that's your bed, for example.) In other words, if instead of saying "Take a moment to close your eyes" you said, oh, "take a moment to flex your sphincter" and then made it rhyme, you'd be bound to say something original, and therefore a hundred times more interesting than what you have. That's all. Great try, but please take my advice seriously. I know the tone of this comment is a little sarcastic, but that's only because I live in the middle of a great ugly desert without access to conventional forms of entertainment. I mean it. You can't write anything good while using cliche rhymes.
Drop the colons. Great.
Really great. Is that really how it's spelled? I thought absinthe, and am too lazy to check.
"With every pebble thrown A heart suffers loss" is the part that sounds most like an Poison-esque power ballad or country music. And really? Does that heart REALLY "suffer loss" every time you throw a pebble? Excuse me for suggesting that sounds like one of those things which are only true in power ballads, like love's like a knife, or the jukebox playing your song.
true to the heart can love so out this world be worthy of a world eating up hearts before you can even earn a meal to live to see tomorrow?
rhyme ; the criminal act of forcing words into feelings, when poetry in the first instance is a feeling feel for meaning that does not come wordless... I cannot agree less.
errrrm speechless
The title doesn't seem right, otherwise good.
You might as well use "done did" if you're going to use "did" that way (like you were answering a question). "knobs-a-turning" and "bulbs-a-burning" a case of style juxt-a-posing.
Some good stuff though.
You're sick. If you were a feminist, you'd at least get so-called sensitive men. No vote.