BrandonW
on On The First Night by OneFingerAnswer
30 Nov 2005, 10:27 PM
Fuck.. I like it.. its sweet.. and I like it -9
This is the exact plot of Douglas Adams' "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" minus such wackiness as when Arthur tries to get a bag of Scrabble letters to randomly spell The Ultimate Question and they spell "What do you get when you multiply six by nine".
In other words, not unclever, but cleverer the first time.
One of your best recently. Maybe he's bombing the place? It happens.
Are you aware that for most people the verb "void" means "to piss or crap until empty", as in "I was so scared I voided my bladder"?
As a poem, not as good as your best, "The regrets made me voids"
Nice.
"I offer no accord" is a useless line and probably just for rhyme's sake. Consider changing it to bored, board, gored, gourd, hoard, poured, roared, scored, sword, abhorred, aboard, adored, afford, award, explored, ignored, implored, reward, toward, unexplored, Honda Accord - preferably not one of the obvious ones.
Yes, I did almost let that slide because it's so wacky and stoned and reminds me of that scene in Boogie Nights where the Chinese boy's setting off fireworks and that guy in his briefs keeps waving that gun around. But you can do better.
Simple yet very effective. I want to hear more about the racoon and snake.
Here's what I've learned. It's as simple, sad and cliche as the old opposites attract adage. We're hypocrites because we complain about it and without realizing it we go and do the same thing. They're really not all that different from us on the inside. Unless you're talking about the vagina. -9-
ummm...okay, first, you need to move on from the whole "void" angle. It's wearing thin. Also, try some different styles and variations. Either get some prozac or some liquor (but just enough). Most of the good stuff is about pain and depression, but you need to work on saying it in a new way and making it interesting. Also work on your grammar and adjectives. Often, your lines make little sense because you're trying to put too much into them.
Caducus
on The Ballad of Fraser Allonby Q.C., Barrister-At-Law by wFraser Allonby Q.C.w
1 Dec 2005, 3:14 AM
lol
Its very good, focused but i think the meter could be more controlled you do a me three years ago with the odd verbose line.
Imaginative and one of your best.
Hi, welcome to poemranker. Some of these lines are really rather nice. You might just want to keep a few things in mind while writing the next ones (and hopefully you'll stick around and post more):
1. Try to make more sentences or phrases run through the end of the line. That is, don't make it so if you did punctuate you'd have a comma or period at the end of every line. In a poem like this, you could even keep the same rhymes and not have to invert your grammar.
2. Punctuate. There's no reason not to. If you don't know where, exactly, try writing out the whole thing as a paragraph and seeing where it needs a comma or period. Or just ask us to help.
3. Try to avoid rhyming love and above. Click on this link for a couple of reasons why: http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
Nice.
I'm digging this..
I like this one and yes I truly Care.
I agree with zodiac, and if you stay here very long you'll know that's rare.
You've don it again - put virtue lower than sin, at least to some. It seems a strange line at the end of a love poem.
Too many words in many of the lines for my taste. But overall it's good.
I'd just like to wish everyone on poemeranker a very happy World AIDS Day. (For those that don't know, the 1st of December is a very special time of year when people of all faiths and sexual orientations come together to celebrate AIDS.)
I dont know how you pulled it off, but...
Rahson-