Caducus
on Silent Night by Dovina
29 Nov 2005, 3:51 AM
If his piece was so heavenly would your night be so silent>?
I bearded his black Jesus with rope
wrapped tight round his plastic throat.
I hung him from a branch,
did a little tribal dance
and fed his pecker to a porcelain goat.
A ream look at a fast pull, and no slang. You could have done this a lot faster by simply adding the word "not" to the beginning of each line. And it would have been just as clever.
AlChemy: Do you know these?
http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
The last line might turn it into another Poor-man-dead poem, except for âshrapnel for our conscienceâ which I see as a painful wound on the collective sensibility â maybe because of the medal, or just maybe because they all agreed with the dog. Provocative.
I can't get past "we can all remember the past". There are about a million reasons why that's just not right. For example:
1. No, many people can't.
2. What you think you remember isn't really the past.
The rest of this is good at what it's trying to do.
Why all the linebreaks? "I couldn't believe my sight" isn't a real expression, or particularly grammatical.
"spleen and spry" is good, but you know for all intents and purposes they're opposites, right?
You're missing apostrophes throughout. "vagrant's" for one, and "let's". I'm stuck on him wearing Versace. Maybe make it clear he's wearing handmedowns? Clearer than "shadows", I mean. In all, one of your better.
It seems like every stanza is missing a line.
I'm confused.. there is "I".. and there is the girl.. there is "I" again.. then a writer, low men, a snake, and raccoon.. then back to the girl and another guy, who apparently is a knight.. then back to the damn snake..
I like the idea.. I get images of molecular hitchhikers riding a comet to earth.. then.. I don't know that I like bred, sped, bled, fed.. and.. in saying, "All the children know the ancient honored bus", are you saying that everyone has their own explanation for why we are here? Anyways, I think the last 3 are the strongest.. -7
I presume all the quotes are from the 8-page poem. They seem scattered as shown. But the kicker is "Virtue for women is lower than sin . . .Virtue is a trait few women can see." Do you really mean that?
The only thing I would change is that I would space the lines and the words even farther apart.
I'm not religious or anything but I just don't think turning a christmas carol into a naughty nursery rhyme is all that original. No offense, but it just doesn't seem any more so to me that Sasha's irritating translations.
A bum dies (head tilted) in either a refrgerator or cardboard box filled with polystyrene packing. I thought it was in the alley next to a Versace store seeing that the odds of so many people walking past a dead bum while wearing Versace are quite slim odds.
The copper is pennies. The Lab goes blue(sad). Neon reepers(ambulance). Muzzling(sirens) his grief.
Medal from King George(quarter).
The pauper box is planed.(His casket's ready)
Lets just bury him
he's shrapnel for our conscience
and I'm late for my meeting.(Forget about him. It'll only bring us down. I've got better things to do.
How'd I do?
Those cheeks never miss a cue... I like that... sounds more natural without 'the' before fear. - 5
Hey there... I was just looking around on here for kicks, haven't been around in ages. Just wanted to say that just because my name is Ke-Ke does not mean I am black. I'm a beautiful blonde with blue eyes.