| Re: The Mask by TLRufener |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
26-Nov-05/11:12 AM |
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Did you notice every line in your poem is written as a seperate sentence. Caps at the beginning. MS Word?
You need to get personal. Say things that are unique to your situation or perspective. We have no idea who the hell you're talking to. A lover? A friend? A man? A woman? Michael Jackson? Who?
Don't try to write a poem for everyone. If you do it will always turn out the same way. Hokey.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Bill Z Bub 69.158.186.75 |
26-Nov-05/2:37 PM |
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final stanza definately needs punctuation or something, I though I was reading a Yoda-ism. like the idea of a bouquet of bones.
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| Re: i dream in nine minute increments by ay deee |
Bill Z Bub 69.158.186.75 |
26-Nov-05/2:43 PM |
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The third line had me confused, until I finally realized on the fourth read that you meant "an old one-speed".
Violent dreams. Guns never appear in my dreams. Instead, people point their fingers and say BANG. Then the bad thing falls over.
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| Re: The Angry Bush by wilco |
Bill Z Bub 69.158.186.75 |
26-Nov-05/3:06 PM |
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If I could impeach an angry bush...
Love it.
10 for the politics alone.
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| Re: Colorbars by wilco |
Dovina 69.175.32.104 |
26-Nov-05/8:27 PM |
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"grey thatâs been wearing down his soul" is good. No it's bad. Same for "kiss from old scars and lullabies."
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| Re: Low by wilco |
wilco 24.92.74.122 |
26-Nov-05/10:08 PM |
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Just for the record, I absolutely fucking hate this...it's cheezy and cliche...there are a few things I like about it, though..it's something of an experiment.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
wilco 24.92.74.122 |
26-Nov-05/10:10 PM |
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The bulemia bit is bad...the rest I like.
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| Re: The Mask by TLRufener |
zodiac 212.118.19.241 |
27-Nov-05/6:06 AM |
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Yeah, you have to wonder if you're really going to be able to convey your feelings and experiences and make an accurate account of your life and times if you can only write 13-syllable sentences...
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| Re: listen by elderking |
zodiac 212.118.19.241 |
27-Nov-05/6:07 AM |
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The last line's good; the first 8 don't make words do anything they haven't done for six hundred years at least.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
zodiac 212.118.19.241 |
27-Nov-05/6:11 AM |
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Stanzas 1, 3, and 5 are really great. Stanza 4 is passable. I would drop everything else and maybe add a new, underwrought closing stanza. And change the title, too. Not bad, not bad at all...
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| Re: Low by wilco |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
27-Nov-05/11:41 AM |
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Send this to Garth Brooks, he'll make you rich.
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| Re: Indian Song by ALChemy |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
27-Nov-05/5:49 PM |
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This one's very experimental. Here's your hint, the first line is "Wildman".
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| Re: A Modern Woman by Dovina |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
27-Nov-05/6:49 PM |
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| Re: Indian Song by ALChemy |
zodiac 217.144.7.195 |
28-Nov-05/4:10 AM |
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Clever. I'm not sure I got lines 4 and 5, but what I think I got I like.
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| Re: Indian Song by ALChemy |
cyan9 217.40.63.105 |
28-Nov-05/5:30 AM |
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After reading the comments below, Ive been looking for all sorts of hidden patterns... but nothing so far, otherwise it seems kind of like good ole hoe-down.
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| Re: Low by wilco |
cyan9 217.40.63.105 |
28-Nov-05/5:32 AM |
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meloncholy in a mellow way.
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| Re: Indian Song by ALChemy |
wilco 24.92.74.122 |
28-Nov-05/2:21 PM |
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Wild man,
bled in my vanities;
My graven ancient,
increase mass homicide.
So little left of you
to resurrect for you.
Wild man
God interred his head.
I dunno...best I could come up with.
9 for making me think...I'd give you a 10 but you made me think and that pissed me off. ;)
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| Re: Silent Night by Dovina |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
28-Nov-05/9:11 PM |
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Your honor, St. Peter. I bring you exhibit A: Silent Night by Dovina. The prosecution now rests it's case.
"Wholly night" as in completely night is a weak line.
Even Dan Brown would be walking on eggshells around this one. Your showing some guts and that gets you a "You go girl" from me.
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| Re: Picking Up Sins by BrandonW |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
28-Nov-05/9:43 PM |
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The poems fine but unless you're gay avoid refering to your dick as your cock in poetry. It makes you sound gay.
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| Re: Games by BrandonW |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
28-Nov-05/9:48 PM |
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Wrote this in MS Word huh?
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