Re: Thunder by dooley	BrandonW 68.71.178.129	1-Dec-05/3:00 PM
Can someone please explain to me why this is good?
Re: One by rahson_s	Dovina 69.175.32.104	1-Dec-05/5:07 PM
More essay than poem. How does domination or elevation of a race affect equality among other races?
regarding some deleted poem...	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	1-Dec-05/5:39 PM
He sounds pretty gay. Does he use the word cock alot in normal conversation? -8-
Re: Shamefaced by Doug	Caducus 80.168.172.4	2-Dec-05/1:51 AM
If more concise this could be good but as you're a bit of a dick for the way you critiqued my work I can't be bothered to waste my time. A shame because your work isn't half bad but you moan about how many hits your getting and you leave comments like - "your work sucks big panther nuts" Not the brightest crayon in the box are we.
Re: Shamefaced by Doug	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	2-Dec-05/4:54 AM
Offbeat but also off beat. Some apostrophe problems. Edit and make some cuts. 7
Re: Searching by celticskatermatt1	Dovina 69.175.32.104	2-Dec-05/10:08 AM
Either you're trying to be funny or this is full of mistakes.
Re: Light within darkness by Caducus	Dovina 69.175.32.104	2-Dec-05/10:13 AM
Could be a Christmas card, a kind of sad beauty. Jesus LIES buried.
Re: Calenders, Painters and the Boy who imagined Everything by avery	Dovina 69.175.32.104	2-Dec-05/11:54 AM
A few suggestions: Use different styles if you want, but not within the same poem. Try for consistency of rhythm, like the rhythm you start with, for example. And try not to mix styles of language, like using "doth" (doeth)in a modedrn English poem. And try not use semicolons so much. And don't give up.
Re: For my unborn by Caducus	Dovina 69.175.32.104	2-Dec-05/11:59 AM
In heaven SLEEP my children.
Re: For my unborn by Caducus	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	2-Dec-05/2:53 PM
seems to personal to tarnish with criticism or vote.
Re: Light within darkness by Caducus	Niphredil 192.115.60.100	3-Dec-05/3:30 AM
"braille", not "brail".
Re: I'm walking thorough void by Prince of Void	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	3-Dec-05/6:17 AM
There seem to be voids in your sentences. I'll assume this is intentional. Good Idea if so but you could have used it more interestingly if you did it in a traumatic story like: I was on a whitewater rapids trip with my-void-bango played-void-unzipped his fly-void-"Say it pig"-void-"WEEEE! WEEEE!
Re: The Long-Tailed Bird by Zoe	zodiac 217.144.7.195	3-Dec-05/6:29 AM
Wow, nice writing. My only criticism is you seems like you're missing some explanation - what's up with the fire and what it has to do with the herons, for starters. Yeah, on a second or third read, I can kind of guess, but my honest opinion is it needs a line, a half-line of explanation. Maybe: 1.) More details of the fire. 2.) More connecting the fire to the flood. 3.) The timing - so the bird came before the fire? That's kind of jarring. 4.) Who's saying all of the lines in quotes. 5.) What exactly happened to the bird? 6.) Who are the boatmen, what's their deal? And a couple others. I'm not stupid or a bad reader. I'm just having a hard time piecing this together. I think it might help to consider your action/story/whatever like a movie or nature-hike: start by looking at one thing, pan to the next, pan to the next, pan to the next, and so on. That said, you sure can write. Golly.
Re: forever mourning by outofdarkness138	zodiac 217.144.7.195	3-Dec-05/6:30 AM
With a thumping beat I can see it working. But the vocals would have to be almost inaudible.
Re: Calenders, Painters and the Boy who imagined Everything by avery	zodiac 217.144.7.195	3-Dec-05/6:33 AM
I would suggest not ever, ever using archaic grammar. Especially "doth". Even Shakespeare wouldn't have written that - not when he could just as easily say the same thing with "golden rays reign".
Re: Light within darkness by Caducus	zodiac 217.144.7.195	3-Dec-05/6:35 AM
Better than your usual.
Re: For my unborn by Caducus	zodiac 217.144.7.195	3-Dec-05/6:41 AM
Doesn't really make sense to use birth as a weird verb when you're just repeating it in the next line. You need punctuation at the end of line2, I think. At any rate, it seems like you're trying to say "With every waking there are three of them" and not "It's a painful birth with every waking". Actually, neither way really works for me. I'm getting from your poems that you know alot of things God does that other people don't normally know. How is that? Is that right? I think no, not when it's just as easy to express some uncertainty about it, to emphasize (for example) that it's what you (or, better, a character) IMAGINES God doing. - sleep my children, not sleeps. "Dreaming to be born" is sloppy grammar. Yes it can mean "they dream in order to be born", but it doesn't mean "they dream of being born", so you're not getting your first meaning out of it, much less your subtext. What? Your children never have to dream? What? What the hell? Are they protozoans?
Re: The Long-Tailed Bird by Zoe	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	3-Dec-05/6:43 AM
I think you need to use some conjunctions and articles. Right now the condensed sentences sound too modern for a story that seems like an old folktale. Impressive nonetheless. -9-
Re: Another Chapter by TLRufener	zodiac 217.144.7.195	3-Dec-05/6:44 AM
Writing poems like this is sloppy work. You just make one-line sentences like a jerk. They don't even have to be related. Rick Flair's daughter is someone I've dated. Why not try running a thought through a line end? Because that would require you to have a thought.
Re: One by rahson_s	zodiac 217.144.7.195	3-Dec-05/6:48 AM
"momentarily depression invaded the time" doesn't make sense. I like the rest of this, but I think you should figure out what you're trying to say before you say it to us. The more I reread, the more this seems all over the place. And contradictory. And of course races can dominate and be separate. Demographic studies show America is the most segregated it's been since the 50s. Just ask Dovina. She doesn't even personally know any black people.