I'm not a big fan of rhyming in free verse...some can do it and do it well, but for most people it just keeps them bound. Why not try writing what you want to say without the rhyming scale.

First two verses are weak. Does this ring a bell? "Where, oh where are you tonight? Why did you leave me here all alone? I searched the world over and thought I found true love. You met another and Phht! you were gone." The rest of it seems to work ok.

my god

I think that you could maybe turn this into a free verse and give a little more info..don't give so much that it paints a FULL picture, but I just don't think the Haiku form gives you enough to get much of anything across here.

Once again - At best, you're only able to express a nine-word thought here. That is, you can't even express as sophisticated a thought as any of the sentences in this comment do - which, incidentally, aren't very sophisticated. Don't you think that limits your poetry just a little? I do wish you'd occasionally acknowledge some of our comments. At least so we'll know you're choosing to disregard our criticisms and continue in your chosen style, rather than thinking - as we do - that you're just ignoring us or illiterate. If you respond, I promise to never post this comment again.

I am a big fan of rhyming free verse, but think you might (1) enjamb more, like you did well in the first three lines of the fourth stanza, (2) not use "amidst" for something singular like "tide", (3) scent's, not scents', (4) tighten up your message and phrasing just a little. Welcome to poemranker!

I'll be the first to admit that lyrics can be decieving because they may sound great with music. This just doesn't work too well on the page, though.

I think you sacrificed a lot of the substance of what this could have been for the sake of rhyme. I'd suggest working on it and saying what you want to say without putting the burden of rhyme in there.

"we cringed with the rhapsody"? Frost famously said he'd sooner play tennis with the net down than write poetry without rhyme or meter. He respected good free-verse writers, but he himself wouldn't know what to say without some structure and limitation guiding him. Frost, though, had to bust his ass to make rhyme and rhythm work for him, rather than the other way around. I believe there are at least a dozen things in this poem you wouldn't have normally said except for the rhyme. I admit, sometimes the weird connections you make in rhyme are magical, sublime, spontaneous. But had/dad and heart/start/part are not those times. I don't suggest writing free verse. I'm suggesting working harder on your rhymed verse.

Sometimes I write a poem without rhyme and then make it rhyme while adding as few new words or new ideas as possible. Maybe that could work for you?

Either "momentarily," or ", momentary". The only way I can think of to make racism disappear is for every guy to start impegnating only girls of a different race. In a thousand years or so it'll be too hard to tell the difference between us. I've only passed through The Bronx on the way to Kennedy and from what little of it I saw it was filthy.

"No more, love more hand to hold"? Check this out: An empty page but to afraid to look Wanting to see an unfinished book Unwritten words between you and me Undone deeds scared to be seen Another chapter, more hand to hold No more, love forever untold Secrets unspoken to fill up my head One more thought when they need to be said Another chapter to keep on the light No more reasons, I will never write With one last chance for us to try You turn from me and say goodbye. Like refrigerator poem magnets. Think of things about you and your lover that are unique. Like "No more Vodka semen shots."

See comments on this page and relate. http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=134444

Was she giving you a blowjob in the second stanza? Give her this poem. Maybe she'll give you another one. A little sappy though. -7-? Nah, I'll giv'im an -8-

It seems most of the times Jesus wept in the bible it was followed by a resurrection. I'm not sure if that's any consolation to you or not but... http://www.soulfoodministry.org/docs/JesusWept.htm

"fiery fireplaces burn with a warm lush" is the worst thing I've ever read. Ever. It seems like you tried to cram every poem you ever wrote into 4 stanzas. I see potential in you though. -5- This should give you room to either improve or decline.

Good grief, Charlie Brown...let's get a spell checker on this. "I rope would be tied"? - what the hell does that mean? Try putting a little thought into your poem...I think it took me longer to read it than it took you to write it.

The second stanza is good, but not really a sentence. The last line should be that she's the romantic or you're not romantic. You're not the one who thinks the wine looks like Jesus.

It's a good story. Haikus are overrated. You should expand this.

Thanks for the comments Zodiac. In the origional version of the poem I did have the punctuation you commented on, I guess I wanted to see how it played without it--bad move. As for "season," the last two lines are a metaphor for finding your inner child, which you can do in any season. I appreciate your comments though and I'll see if I can come up with something better.