ALChemy
on Until the Façade Comes Down by TLRufener
4 Dec 2005, 6:58 AM
...And we without.
But you will.
One as I.
You and I as nothing.
Everything we,
a we(e) nothing therefor(e).
I knew there was some good poetry in there.
Send this to Bon Jovi.
"Grandma it's me, Brandon."
"Oh my god! Are you here to rape me? HELP, HELP, RAPE!"
"No grandma it's me your grandson Brandon."
"Oh god. HELP! Henry, the rapist is trying to rape our grandson!"
That came out so good that now I'm actually kinda frightened of you. I defy John Updike to do something like this. 10+
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
4 Dec 2005, 1:09 PM
Thanks for the vote ALChemy. I did accidentally delete Zodiacs comment. I clicked on reply and it just disapeared--either I did something wrong or there was a glitch. I'm probably doing something wrong because the same thing happend when I tried to reply to your comment.
Alright, lookit...you've got to get it out of your head that you have to rhyme to make a poem work. You're putting stuff in here just to make it rhyme. You could say this exact same thing with three lines and it would sound more poetic.
It's not just horrible bad, but it's just not good either. It doesn't hold my attention, it doesn't make me think, and it doesn't make me think "yeah..I know what she's feeling...I've felt that way".
First off, don't start a poem with "there are no words" and "there is no way to explain how I feel"....If there's no words and there's no way to explain it why did you write it? Better yet, why am I reading it?
This is a love letter, not a poem. It COULD be a poem if you look in there and find the poetry in it.
She sat there staring
at our old pictures wondering
who was living then
Not bad, at least you get the whole rhyming poem thing. I would maybe change the whole "whence it came" line to preserve the flow.
It seems you're comparing a mill (sawmill, gristmill) to a run down apartment, or vice versa. Other than that confusion, it's cool.
An excellent post, as usual.
Facade.
Nope can't make that little tail thingy appear under my "C".
What it spears with potency it lacks in elegance.
nicely meloncholly sentiment, but sadly void of other aspects of poetry (rich language, structure, rhythm, rhyme, assonance...)
Excellent Flow (not quite water tight) and the image of the pull from left to right was intensely and clearly put. I dont think I needed to hear the last two verses though, and I think it could end on "calling me back to do repair".
Unusual for a haiku to put such a quaintly demented picture across, pleasurable to experience. I have to agree with zodiacs comment though, haiku's irritate me, they seem like poems that could be so much more.
For now I'll just analyze the first stanza and then you can see if you can identify any possible flaws in the others.
You should lose either "Going" or "I travel" as it is restating the obvious and is obviously a space filler.
"Home" is also unneccessary. Change "packed" to over-packed. It will intensify the crowded feeling.
Say "In the middle of a changing tide" This will emphasize the double meaning as being mid-event tide and mid-location tide. Say outstretched instead of "stretched out" to avoid your adjective being confused as a verb.
So now we have:
Traveling to class and back
on a boat that's overpacked
in the middle of a changing tide.
Land outstretched on either side.
Now you have room to add:
Traveling the hours to class and back
on the bow of a boat that's overpacked
in the middle of a changing summertide.
Land outstretched on either side.
You also get some enjambment this way.
You have great rhythm and flow but you need to maximize as much effect into each line as you can to hold an ever-distracted modern audience's attention. So write like 3 or 4 versions of the same poem before you settle.
Now if only I can get myself to listen to my own advice more often. -8-
If you called it a lyric poem I might have been more impressed. This is one of those meant to be said not read poems. Sounds like excerpts of Bob Dylan songs.
I like the repetition here, but perhaps you need to break the form - maybe write it in blank verse instead to keep a restraint as the rhymes sound a bit ding-dong if you know what I mean?