Re: Until the Façade Comes Down by TLRufener	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	4-Dec-05/6:58 AM
...And we without. But you will. One as I. You and I as nothing. Everything we, a we(e) nothing therefor(e). I knew there was some good poetry in there.
Re: Popular Lovers by wilco	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	4-Dec-05/7:01 AM
Send this to Bon Jovi.
Re: Shoebox Thoughts by BrandonW	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	4-Dec-05/7:08 AM
"Grandma it's me, Brandon." "Oh my god! Are you here to rape me? HELP, HELP, RAPE!" "No grandma it's me your grandson Brandon." "Oh god. HELP! Henry, the rapist is trying to rape our grandson!"
Re: Duff firs, Nawal by zodiac	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	4-Dec-05/8:01 AM
That came out so good that now I'm actually kinda frightened of you. I defy John Updike to do something like this. 10+
regarding some deleted poem...	some deleted user 204.97.16.121	4-Dec-05/1:09 PM
Thanks for the vote ALChemy. I did accidentally delete Zodiacs comment. I clicked on reply and it just disapeared--either I did something wrong or there was a glitch. I'm probably doing something wrong because the same thing happend when I tried to reply to your comment.
Re: Another Chapter by TLRufener	wilco 24.92.74.122	4-Dec-05/1:23 PM
Alright, lookit...you've got to get it out of your head that you have to rhyme to make a poem work. You're putting stuff in here just to make it rhyme. You could say this exact same thing with three lines and it would sound more poetic. It's not just horrible bad, but it's just not good either. It doesn't hold my attention, it doesn't make me think, and it doesn't make me think "yeah..I know what she's feeling...I've felt that way".
Re: Until the Façade Comes Down by TLRufener	wilco 24.92.74.122	4-Dec-05/1:31 PM
First off, don't start a poem with "there are no words" and "there is no way to explain how I feel"....If there's no words and there's no way to explain it why did you write it? Better yet, why am I reading it? This is a love letter, not a poem. It COULD be a poem if you look in there and find the poetry in it.
Re: Shoebox Thoughts by BrandonW	Dovina 17.255.240.138	4-Dec-05/1:33 PM
She sat there staring at our old pictures wondering who was living then
Re: Duff firs, Nawal by zodiac	wilco 24.92.74.122	4-Dec-05/1:35 PM
An excellent post, as usual.
regarding some deleted poem...	wilco 24.92.74.122	4-Dec-05/1:40 PM
Not bad, at least you get the whole rhyming poem thing. I would maybe change the whole "whence it came" line to preserve the flow.
Re: Popular Lovers by wilco	Dovina 17.255.240.138	4-Dec-05/1:42 PM
It seems you're comparing a mill (sawmill, gristmill) to a run down apartment, or vice versa. Other than that confusion, it's cool.
Re: Until the Façade Comes Down by TLRufener	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	4-Dec-05/2:30 PM
Facade. Nope can't make that little tail thingy appear under my "C".
Re: Duff firs, Nawal by zodiac	cyan9 217.40.63.105	5-Dec-05/1:37 AM
What it spears with potency it lacks in elegance.
Re: Light within darkness by Caducus	cyan9 217.40.63.105	5-Dec-05/1:50 AM
nicely meloncholly sentiment, but sadly void of other aspects of poetry (rich language, structure, rhythm, rhyme, assonance...)
Re: Through the channel by amanda_dcosta	cyan9 217.40.63.105	5-Dec-05/1:53 AM
Excellent Flow (not quite water tight) and the image of the pull from left to right was intensely and clearly put. I dont think I needed to hear the last two verses though, and I think it could end on "calling me back to do repair".
Re: Shoebox Thoughts by BrandonW	cyan9 217.40.63.105	5-Dec-05/1:57 AM
Unusual for a haiku to put such a quaintly demented picture across, pleasurable to experience. I have to agree with zodiacs comment though, haiku's irritate me, they seem like poems that could be so much more.
Re: Through the channel by amanda_dcosta	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	5-Dec-05/2:12 AM
For now I'll just analyze the first stanza and then you can see if you can identify any possible flaws in the others. You should lose either "Going" or "I travel" as it is restating the obvious and is obviously a space filler. "Home" is also unneccessary. Change "packed" to over-packed. It will intensify the crowded feeling. Say "In the middle of a changing tide" This will emphasize the double meaning as being mid-event tide and mid-location tide. Say outstretched instead of "stretched out" to avoid your adjective being confused as a verb. So now we have: Traveling to class and back on a boat that's overpacked in the middle of a changing tide. Land outstretched on either side. Now you have room to add: Traveling the hours to class and back on the bow of a boat that's overpacked in the middle of a changing summertide. Land outstretched on either side. You also get some enjambment this way. You have great rhythm and flow but you need to maximize as much effect into each line as you can to hold an ever-distracted modern audience's attention. So write like 3 or 4 versions of the same poem before you settle. Now if only I can get myself to listen to my own advice more often. -8-
Re: how did i forget that i have to go to work? by hendrimike	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	5-Dec-05/2:57 AM
If you called it a lyric poem I might have been more impressed. This is one of those meant to be said not read poems. Sounds like excerpts of Bob Dylan songs.
Re: The Bus by Dovina	zodiac 212.38.134.51	5-Dec-05/3:53 AM
I can't believe you sevened my Christmas poem, which, incidentally, beats the pants off yours. Is it because I sevened this? Fie!
Re: The Search by OneFingerAnswer	Zoe 172.200.8.91	5-Dec-05/8:06 AM
I like the repetition here, but perhaps you need to break the form - maybe write it in blank verse instead to keep a restraint as the rhymes sound a bit ding-dong if you know what I mean?