Re: The Beauty of His Last Night Wasted by OneFingerAnswer	Zoe 172.200.8.91	5-Dec-05/8:08 AM
This is interesting. It reminds me of Oriental poetry - Li Po etc. I like it, but maybe it is a little sentimental at the end - Oriental poetry is often about repressed emotions and this makes it moving. Perhaps a pinch of that may help here.
Re: saving myself for marriage by Venus	Zoe 172.200.8.91	5-Dec-05/8:12 AM
A haiku is supposed to have three things: 1. A clear image 2. A clear emotion 3. A clear philosophical message The image is not so clear to me as it seems to be two images - maybe you need to stick with the cherry image. The emotion seems to be hiding sadness with pride. But what is the philosophical message?
Re: FIVE LOAVES AND TWO FISH by amanda_dcosta	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	5-Dec-05/10:57 AM
For some reason as I read this I took on the spirit of John Denver. Perkiest I've felt in weeks. YEEHAW! Thank God I'm a country boy.
Re: The Dark by cyan9	wilco 24.92.74.122	5-Dec-05/1:42 PM
Another one that sounds like a Metallica song..try shortening it and tightening it up...there's about half of this that you don't need. I think people tend to make free verse poems longer than they need to be simply because they look too short. If you're not writing in a certain form that requires a certain number of lines, you probably don't need as much as you think.
Re: YOUR OWN PLEASURE by Zoe	wilco 24.92.74.122	5-Dec-05/1:48 PM
What form is this? The repetition gets a little old (maybe just because there are so many stanzas...It's interesting and some of it is very pretty. I could stand to read a shorter version but I can live with it if you can. ;) Also, the title in all caps is a bit annoying...something of a no, no 'round here.
Re: Snake in the Grass by thepinkbunnyofdoom	wilco 24.92.74.122	5-Dec-05/1:54 PM
Is this to be sung to the tune of Bob Seger's "Old Time Rock & Roll"?
Re: Snake in the Grass by thepinkbunnyofdoom	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	5-Dec-05/3:25 PM
Answer the question at the bottom for me please: This is a story about a girl. While at the funeral of her own mother, she met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much the dream guy that she was searching for that she fell in love with him immediately. However, she never asked for his name or number and afterward could not find anyone who knew who he was. A few days later the girl killed her own sister. Question: Why did she kill her sister?
Re: Thespian by BrandonW	BrandonW 216.78.55.241	5-Dec-05/9:46 PM
If the haiku form limits the story... what about 4 of them?
Re: Irish Holliday by Dovina	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	5-Dec-05/10:25 PM
Shouldn't the last line go "Would he fit in the laundry?" Christmas in Bedrock. Wilma's suckin' Fred's cock. Betty's lickin' her cunt, Barney's fuckin' her butt, and Dino's sprayin'em with his eggnog. Merry Christmas Dov and Yabbadabbadoo. -10-
Re: FIVE LOAVES AND TWO FISH by amanda_dcosta	zodiac 212.38.134.51	6-Dec-05/1:36 AM
I had a problem with the first stanza, either because 1. it wasn't really desert then, 2. people are used to desert here (the place where this happened is about two hills over from where I'm sitting now), 3. although metaphorically it's cool, there's no biblical basis for them following him into the desert to the "extreme point of hunger", and/or 4. they're used to pretty extreme hunger. Odds are they were a couple hours walk from the next town (ie, no biggie in Middle Eastern terms) and didn't want to go back for food and miss the preacher. They surely knew they'd be back in their own houses by that night. That said, "The fringes of their deserts were strewn with broken faiths. It was significant that this wrack of fallen religions lay about the meeting of the desert and the sown. It pointed to the generation of all these creeds. They were assertions, not arguments; so they required a prophet to set them forth. The Arabs said there had been forty thousand prophets: we had record of at least some hundreds. None of them had been of the wilderness but their lives were after a pattern. Their birth set them in crowded places. An unintelligible passionate yearning drove them out into the desert. There they lived a greater or lesser time in meditation and physical abandonment; and thence they returned with their imagined message articulate, to preach it to their old, and now doubting, associates." - T.E. Lawrence
Re: Irish Holliday by Dovina	zodiac 212.38.134.51	6-Dec-05/1:42 AM
Holiday. One L.
Re: Irish Holliday by Dovina	zodiac 212.38.134.51	6-Dec-05/1:45 AM
Bad.
Re: Irish Holliday by Dovina	zodiac 212.38.134.51	6-Dec-05/1:46 AM
Sad.
Re: The Incubation by oneglove	zodiac 212.38.134.51	6-Dec-05/2:01 AM
http://tinyurl.com/99u6v
Re: YOUR OWN PLEASURE by Zoe	zodiac 212.38.134.51	6-Dec-05/2:06 AM
What's up with all these capitalized titles?
Re: The Dark by cyan9	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	6-Dec-05/2:10 AM
A message similar the the end of the movie Jacob's Ladder. Sounds like an older poem of your's.
Re: Thespian by BrandonW	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	6-Dec-05/2:15 AM
I think what they're trying to say is that Haiku are so condensed that few people are skilled enough to make them work well. There's alot more to it than 3 lines with a 5-7-5 syllable pattern.
Re: YOUR OWN PLEASURE by Zoe	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	6-Dec-05/2:19 AM
This poem looks like something the teacher made you write on the chalkboard for being bad. Exhausting.
Re: Jesus, you I see by amanda_dcosta	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	6-Dec-05/2:26 AM
You should have noted that this was a lyric or hymn. My personal favorite hymn: I don't care if it rains or freezes as long as I got my plastic Jesus. Can I getta AMEN sista?
Re: The Incubation by oneglove	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	6-Dec-05/2:32 AM
Nice. It didn't floor me but it's nicely done.