cyan9
on laugh again by skaskowski
6 Dec 2005, 2:47 AM
Too much to think about for me to want to dive in and try to understand it (especially in the morning).
Cute, nothing more, nothing less... for that reason I dont particularly like this, but have had an enjoyable read, that I will forget quite quickly I am sad to say.
I must say that I like this: teh build up of character. Perhaps some words and phrases are not working hard enough, like 'carrying himslef as if on a breeze'. You could be more specific here maybe'. I would also like to have more concrete happenings described.
Pleasantly Confusing
Damn! That's a really bad case of Peyronie's disease.
How dare you steal from those poor Mexicans selling oranges on the street. They need every penny they can get to buy soap.
As long as you keep writing, (unlike me) you can do no wrong.
Good combination of rhyme without losing substance. The only part which let it down is :As my zombified body
eats my brain.
Yet it does make a strong point without being said as strongly as you could. 8
I like this, but I'm not sure about the nursery rhyme sing song quality of the rhyme - maybe blank verse would be a better restraint? Also I don't like the way that our heroine is left in the dark at the end. Couldn't she hit Hyde over the head with a saucepan and escape or something?
I have no idea of hte complexities of a triolet but the word play was inspiring and parts reminded me of Frost.
One of the best I've read in a while on here.
Consider yourself luckey. Santa might have sent you the Snuggle bear. Or a Lobster.
Itâs not strictly paradelle, which has only four stanzas compared to your eight. Nor does your last stanza contain all of the words in the above stanzas. Nor is it two paradelles, because the fourth stanza does not contain all the words in the above four. Still, itâs a good poem and holds the thoughts together in spite of a very constraining form.
It is certainly better than http://poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?i
There's a great deal that I like about this poem. The form is interesting and I like how it looks on the page. Sometimes the language could work harder - e.g.hiding tears in the rain is a cliche.
Who is... Henry James?
Wordy in places, but good. The long lines could be shortened or cut.
How can the rim of a coin be a mobius strip? What metaphor?
i really like this, especially the first four stanzas.
I'd drop "a gatekeeper finally letting you by, a reason to believe you can actually fly". Some of this is very very good - "reading a list of names and finding your own, reading a list long with adjectives that youâve never known, and finding you, a bumblebee keeper of sanity". As for the rest, I can't be too hard on something sounding so close to "Midnite Vultures"-era Beck.