nentwined
on Taste Ghazni by eliastemplar
5 Mar 2009, 10:26 PM
insence -> incense
or rather, incense-like
hmm. better than I expected, from that; but still kind of plain. paint me more.
what? really? no.
strange... good flow, but the context isn't quite there for me.
> I ignored you for a client
> that always spelt my name wrong.
ouch.
overall: ouch.
well done?
meh.
the edge of the ocean is just another's hell. or heaven we'd all get kicked out of. but it's nice to imagine?
my eyes blurred. you hit a constant tone that turned the words to mush (maybe I need more coffee).
Hear, hear!
relieving?
interesting piece.
ssssssssssssssssssssssssstrange, man.
nentwined
on Final Dates, part 1: through gates of smoke and salt by Bill Z Bub
5 Mar 2009, 10:51 PM
god damn dude.
yeah, that's personal. and eloquent. and evocative--I can feel it.
The odd thing is I feel like it hits too close to home to crit, but if I step back a bit, it's not my home.
So: if I were reading this @ GUD, I'd be thinking, wondering... this is really beautiful. But is there enough of a story, enough of an arc, enough "other" on top of the punch to the gut and its beauty? And I don't know, there. I'd let it sit and hope to get some response from others. And I think the response would tend to depend on who read it next.
you're making my brain hurt too much. dig the imagery, as well, but I don't entirely trust a coherence to seek for...
still, sure, a 7 on style, and hope.
you sweet weaver
Bill Z Bub
on Final Dates, part 1: through gates of smoke and salt by Bill Z Bub
6 Mar 2009, 6:09 AM
Deleted second half of this. Now it is incomplete, but then, it IS part one. The story isn't over, is never over until the two old ravens fly free and the the words become meaningless scratches in the clay of our existence.
needs something more, I think.
I like the setting, but not the poem, and not where it ends. Still, I think you've got a seed here, if you can nurture it to grow (and I don't mean in length, so much).
That's great. I kind of wish the title was just "someplace to go" or something like...
two l's in ellipses.
the rest... eh. points for intent?
I liked the title, "Prove Me Wrong" lol
I'd love to prove you wrong. One of these days. I'll come back and be all like... well, we'll see. ;)
Actually: I've never had certainty much. And innocence to the world went gone after a few months ago. hm...
I like how it's a list. And every last line goes together. :)
Bill Z Bub
on Final Dates, part 1: through gates of smoke and salt by Bill Z Bub
6 Mar 2009, 5:41 AM
...aaaaand I now regret posting this. Ah my old friend regret. Never seem able to get rid of you.