regarding some deleted poem...	ecargo 167.219.88.140	20-Feb-06/7:39 AM
No der Jorgen? ;) Heaven's stake--a cross? siphoning? hunting heads of ocean--nice. What's the deal? I'm baffled and intrigued. (I could say that about most of your stuff).
Re: Gunsong by MacFrantic	ecargo 167.219.88.140	20-Feb-06/7:53 AM
Really interesting and fresh images. Some of it gets a little too self-consciously "poetic" for me, but you keep the language pretty simple which helps it from becoming overly flowery. Somethings get a little blurry: "plants more often wintry Than all the spiky seeds of summer " ? More wintry than the . . . seeds of summer are wintry? I don't think that's what you mean, but it's what you say. Do you need "phantom" given that you have "ghouls" already? How's a "suicide of pixies" a "harmless guarantee"--things like that. Cool, overall though--I'd like more coherence, but it's original and you've got something good to work with.
Re: Witch's Brew by ecargo	Ranger 62.252.32.15	20-Feb-06/8:10 AM
Man I love this.
Re: Conflict Resolution by Dovina	drnick 24.176.22.254	20-Feb-06/8:23 AM
Hey, you actually took some of my advice! I am honored, and I really do think this is better than the first version. The second stanza is much better now!
Re: Conflict Resolution by Dovina	Dovina 67.72.98.89	20-Feb-06/8:23 AM
My intent was to edit this, but I hit Delete by accident, thus losing all of the comments. It's an unpardonable sin, for which I wish there were recompense. Here are the comments, I think: Drnick: This is good, but I think you could have done better. For instance, lines 6 and 7 could have been worded in a not-so-obvious sort of way (ie "I wanted her to understand, but let mercy be my tounge instead"). The 3rd stanza is awesome, I wouldn't change that at all. The 4th, however, seems as though you rushed through it. The 3rd line in there seems rushed and too vague of an analogy; give us an example of purple night-lights. The 5th line in the 5th stanza should say "bit" not "bite" but I think you could have found a better analogy for that as well. Everything else seems to be in place, you just need to comb out a few of the knots. Ranger: 'She got to be her, and I didn't...' You seem a bit annoyed at the moment! Ecargo: The idea here is good, but some problems with execution, i.e., language/sense ("she bite like a dog," which I'm pretty sure is just a typo; "eyes fell sad, as if every meaning had"); cliches (lilt in voice, bounce in step); and troublesome metaphors (briars scratching at eardrums, etc.). Thank you all for commenting. These comments were useful.
Re: Conflict Resolution by Dovina	Ranger 62.252.32.15	20-Feb-06/8:27 AM
Yes, better. I think I gave this a 7 last time, so now I'll move it up a notch.
Re: The Dead Poet's Dream by drnick	Dovina 67.72.98.89	20-Feb-06/8:35 AM
Some good thoughts here, a collection of wannas. But I the ski analogy loses me. Misspelled words, but only in pretend - that line breaks an otherwise good flow.
Re: The Struggling Poet's Lament by Ranger	drnick 141.218.35.109	20-Feb-06/10:58 AM
Yes, I've read this one before, but was unable to realize what exactly you were talking about. Now that I know, this is quite a beautiful and amazing piece. You've really done a great job describing the passion behind our words, and our struggle for satisfaction. There are so many good lines in this, but I'd like to point out my favorite(as I always do): "I stumble like the pregnant flame". Very good, and sorry for not commenting on more of your works.
Re: The Dead Poet's Dream by drnick	richa 81.178.217.160	20-Feb-06/11:04 AM
This doesn't make any sense. :(
Re: During the Grace by jahnotis	richa 81.178.217.160	20-Feb-06/11:07 AM
'No one perceived the bullet's path, and naively their heads split open.' Is fine 'No one realized the thorn's approach, and vulnerably their windows remain open.' Is not. How does leaving ones window open let in 'thorns'.
Re: Stealth Assassin (draft) by Mona Lisa	richa 81.178.217.160	20-Feb-06/11:13 AM
If you are going for pathos I would prescribe attention to small detail rather than writing rape every five seconds.
Re: Herman by richa	Ranger 62.252.32.15	20-Feb-06/11:33 AM
Dammit, why have I not read more of your works? I was gone for too long. This is a wonderful read.
Re: You Sang To Me In A Cathedral Chamber by Ranger	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	20-Feb-06/12:44 PM
Great lines. Could use some more punctuation to clear things up a bit. Don't be afraid to throw in a couple plain old boring lines for the sake of connecting the more inventive ones.
Re: Conflict Resolution by Dovina	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	20-Feb-06/1:00 PM
What a brat. Nice to see you're using articles in your poems again. You've got everyone doing these kind of narratives now, even zodiac.
Re: Conflict Resolution by Dovina	wilco 24.92.74.122	20-Feb-06/1:29 PM
I really like this one. The third stanza is perfect, but I don't like the garage door.
Re: The chestnut by richa	Dovina 69.175.32.104	20-Feb-06/5:22 PM
It seems like a sad condition - alone under a chestnut tree, drinking, watching an unobtainable girl. I would wager that most people are happier when they drive to work.
Re: Sonnet for Snow by ecargo	god'swife 71.103.98.44	20-Feb-06/5:33 PM
Lovely. One small suggestion; change 'the eye turns..' to 'and the eye...' You have 'turns' in the first line and turns with truer is a bit stiff.
regarding some deleted poem...	Scarlett 68.11.56.28	20-Feb-06/5:43 PM
Strong visuals to this one. Beginning had a punch to it and the meaning flowed. The list at the end was not as necessary, maybe shorten it a tad. Otherwise, enjoyed!
regarding some deleted poem...	Scarlett 68.11.56.28	20-Feb-06/5:54 PM
I take this poem as someone talking to another, helping them to find the self esteem from within and to take pride in who you are and not as others see you. And she can... and just as easily, she is emotional to the cruelty in this world.
Re: Beauty, sleeping (revised) by Ranger	Scarlett 68.11.56.28	20-Feb-06/6:15 PM
A touch of fairytale dreams and real life entanglements, this is well rounded, including the sense of humor. Enjoyed!