Re: You Sang To Me In A Cathedral Chamber by Ranger	Dovina 69.175.32.104	18-Feb-06/5:50 PM
The spider gets a show and a point of view, sharing with us some nice lines. But most of the story is for tired children or drunk adults.
Re: Stealth Assassin (draft) by Mona Lisa	Dovina 69.175.32.104	18-Feb-06/5:54 PM
Terrible, in a dreadful way. I hate these codependence-poems of mixed love and abuse. For that reason, a 0. But because it's well-written a 7.
Re: Gunsong by MacFrantic	Dovina 69.175.32.104	18-Feb-06/6:02 PM
I take it as a video game from Verse 3. "Doom" maybe. So much of it is lyrical, but without coherence, that I think it's a dream, or game, or drug trip.
Re: Nightfall by Niphredil	Ranger 62.252.32.15	19-Feb-06/2:17 AM
This is a fantastic villanelle, very well-written and extremely vivid. The only thing I would change is removing one of the 'ands' in line 7, maybe changing it to something like 'Now that it has grown late and I am free...' (a bit clumsy-sounding actually, but you get the picture). 'Weather-worn caresses'? Beautiful.
Re: Without my Glasses by Niphredil	Ranger 62.252.32.15	19-Feb-06/2:25 AM
Very readable indeed, although I couldn't tell from experience if this is at all accurate; I shall take your word for it.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	19-Feb-06/3:54 PM
Stanza 4 = very good. Line 11 'its'. Nicely picturesque, if such a word can be used for poetry, although I have a couple of ideas about what you could be referring to in this one and I'm not sure which might be the right one.
Re: You by terbenaw	Ranger 62.252.32.15	19-Feb-06/4:02 PM
Sadly the world rarely slumbers in dreams of tranquility, but the occasion would be a wonderful thing. Anyway, this is very softly written and I like it. Personally I'd change 'velvety' to simply 'velvet' because that entire analogy is very good. Again, I like the way you refer to the moon, although I think that you could find something better than 'phosphorescent' - just my opinion though. Sadly the line 'pecan brown treasures' made me think solely of -=Dark_Angel=-, quite a shame as it's a lovely line. -=D_A=-, you have tainted my reading of poetry with your embrowning. Actually, I'd quite like to see him use that line in a poem(e)...
Re: Lost In Her Effervescence by ALChemy	Ranger 62.252.32.15	19-Feb-06/4:12 PM
Line 8 - is it meant to be 'cry out "Swim..."'? That would seem to make more sense to me. I like 'mothering sun', I take it that is a semi-play on 'mothering sunday'? It makes that passage a neat little metaphor for life. I'm not totally sure about the last line, in a way it unbalances the 'positive/negative' equilibrium of this piece.
regarding some deleted poem...	drnick 24.176.22.254	19-Feb-06/10:39 PM
This is good, but I think you could have done better. For instance, lines 6 and 7 could have been worded in a not-so-obvious sort of way (ie "I wanted her to understand, but let mercy be my tounge instead"). The 3rd stanza is awesome, I wouldn't change that at all. The 4th, however, seems as though you rushed through it. The 3rd line in there seems rushed and too vague of an analogy; give us an example of purple night-lights. The 5th line in the 5th stanza should say "bit" not "bite" but I think you could have found a better analogy for that as well. Everything else seems to be in place, you just need to comb out a few of the knots.
regarding some deleted poem...	drnick 24.176.22.254	19-Feb-06/10:48 PM
"this salted log, white and dumb" is my favorite line here. Yes, this has awesome imagry, but I have to agree you've perhaps been a bit too vague here as I'm not quite sure what you're talking about. I would consider adding another stanza to clarify the situation, not so that its painfully obvious...but just so we know.
Re: You Sang To Me In A Cathedral Chamber by Ranger	Mikius 129.12.200.48	20-Feb-06/3:33 AM
Alas, for this poem, it's no good; you've raised the bar yet again. I'm afraid my angsty stuff is no match, (Not that I won't subject you to it all anyway :p). Keep up the good work. ^^
Re: The Dead Poet's Dream by drnick	Ranger 62.252.32.15	20-Feb-06/4:54 AM
Did you ever read my 'Struggling Poet's Lament'? Because I know precisely what you mean here (somewhat ironically, given the context of the poem). I like how you've dealt with the idea of everyone's interpretation of a poem being correct - especially after the poet's death, and how we tend to be overly praising of a poet posthumously ('He will misspell words/But only in pretend/His rhymes lie perfect'). Very creatively done, and pleasantly concise.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	20-Feb-06/4:56 AM
'She got to be her, and I didn't...' You seem a bit annoyed at the moment!
Re: Pancakes by raven_the_poet	Ranger 62.252.32.15	20-Feb-06/5:01 AM
A very charming little tribute, the last stanza made me chuckle. As a student, pancakes are a long-lost joy but I swear in time that will change. On a slightly different note, it reminded me of Bush's speech about America being addicted to oil, very topical indeed.
Re: Ben Fogle by Stephen Robins	Ranger 62.252.32.15	20-Feb-06/5:02 AM
An unsung hero. Until now.
Re: A Broken man by Mikius	Ranger 62.252.32.15	20-Feb-06/5:17 AM
Makes me think that it should perhaps be a collection of haikus; the natural imagery fits the bill perfectly. Personally I'd change 'Trampled underfoot', as a phrase it's very worn. It took me a second read to realise the 'leaves in fall' bit, I'm not as quick with Americanisms as you are, but it works beautifully.
Re: You Sang To Me In A Cathedral Chamber by Ranger	ecargo 167.219.88.140	20-Feb-06/7:17 AM
Some good stuff in here, Ranger! "Thin-spinning"; "top-hat velvet . . . tails", songs in grain, pendulum toys and ticktock steps. Really cool feel and language. You talk about the use of metaphor--spider, tree--in your comment. It does come through, I think--but, out of curiosity: what were you aiming for?
Re: Ben Fogle by Stephen Robins	ecargo 167.219.88.140	20-Feb-06/7:19 AM
I looked him up, but I didn't really have to (because this nailed it). He is a clean, adventurous Gentleman, isn't he?
Re: The Dead Poet's Dream by drnick	ecargo 167.219.88.140	20-Feb-06/7:24 AM
A cool idea, but I don't think you take the ski metaphor far enough (particularly since you like the line enough to repeat it), and some of the comparisons to other things seem scattered. Some places where the language gets a little stilted because you're writing to the rhyme (are never deemed mild; His love has just left/To come back yet again/He will misspell words/But only in pretend). You have a good sense, here and otherwise, of bringing things to an end (I think endings are sometimes the hardest thing to pull off).
regarding some deleted poem...	ecargo 167.219.88.140	20-Feb-06/7:35 AM
The idea here is good, but some problems with execution, i.e., language/sense ("she bite like a dog," which I'm pretty sure is just a typo; "eyes fell sad, as if every meaning had"); cliches (lilt in voice, bounce in step); and troublesome metaphors (briars scratching at eardrums, etc.).