Re: Blackbird & the Everlasting Dream by Ranger	Scarlett 68.11.56.28	20-Feb-06/6:24 PM
There is an internal and line ending rhyme that keeps the river flow of this going. Nice indeed. The only line that I stumbled on was this: “With breeze they softly are stirred” With “freeze” right at the end going into “with breeze” something didn’t catch. Over all though, enjoyed.
Re: Everything That You've Ever Wanted by drnick	Scarlett 68.11.56.28	20-Feb-06/8:14 PM
And if we obtain everything we wanted, ~ yes, how boring that would be... the expression, "money doesn't buy everything" derives from that, but even more so - if every wish comes true, then what is tomorrow for. I enjoyed the ponderings this poem brought to mind.
Re: Home is Where the Hate Is by raven_the_poet	Ranger 62.252.32.15	21-Feb-06/2:30 AM
Okay, not bad. As a general point, I'm not sure prose poems have choruses - they're supposed to be more storylike, at least in my interpretation of the term. But that isn't important right now. In the first stanza I would use 'who' instead of 'that' (as you're referring to a person rather than an object) - also the last line in stanza 1 is a bit short; it stops abruptly in comparison to the other lines. I like the way stanza 2 goes quickly - I get the impression of someone whispering it over the shoulder, get rid of 'cause' though (and split that line into 2 lines) to keep the rhythm flowing. The last stanza is good, a little untidy at the moment, but with a bit of trimming it'll be fine.
Re: Empty Chronicles by Scarlett	Ranger 62.252.32.15	21-Feb-06/2:43 AM
Mmm, yes now this I like. 'Wisest not to bud', 'Inspiration melts', '"Bloom me mulberry"', so beautiful. Absolutely lovely.
Re: lost souls by aamir_trichy	Ranger 62.252.32.15	21-Feb-06/2:52 AM
Personally I would leave out 'Cause' (line 2) as it interrupts the flow, and I wouldn't bother with 'Tis' either. It's too archaic for the feel of this poem.
Re: First Unborn Sun by Been Here Before	Ranger 62.252.32.15	21-Feb-06/2:57 AM
This gave me shivers. Edit the typos in stanza 1 ('creeping' and 'blind') so I can give you a vote.
Re: Everything That You've Ever Wanted by drnick	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	21-Feb-06/6:05 AM
I like the beginning lines. Change line 10. Asking for a language that has no lies is like asking for a hammer that hits no thumbs. It's how language is used that dictates whether there are lies present. I don't quite get the last line. Are you saying that your invented world is boring or the world you're in now?
Re: Sunday i will dream again by Caducus	Ranger 62.252.32.15	21-Feb-06/6:18 AM
Damn you Caducus, damn you to poetic injustice, you have presented me with a set of stanzas which individually are worth their weight in gold. But they don't click with each other, the joints are missing here. Each stanza has at least one absolute gem of a line in, it seems to me that you have stanzas from seven different poems put together here though. If I've missed something very important (and it's highly plausible that I have, my brain is somewhat fried right now) tell me and I will alter my reading accordingly. PS since I disappeared from the ranker you started writing some unbelievable stuff; I feel like I missed out!
Re: Sunday i will dream again by Caducus	MacFrantic 172.199.98.219	21-Feb-06/6:28 AM
This is very satisfying, but a few of the adj's seem forced. A I wish I could give you a 9.5, because with a couple tweaks this is an 11 for me. *9*
Re: lost souls by aamir_trichy	MacFrantic 172.199.98.219	21-Feb-06/6:30 AM
Ugh, this caves in fast. *4*
Re: Gunsong by MacFrantic	Ranger 62.252.32.15	21-Feb-06/6:38 AM
I've just had a reread of this and I have to admit that 'Alive and frequently mortal' has to be one of my favourite lines on this site. Class.
Re: Sunday i will dream again by Caducus	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	21-Feb-06/6:42 AM
Great love story.
Re: Empty Chronicles by Scarlett	Scarlett 66.210.233.6	21-Feb-06/7:18 AM
Sadly, this is the best of my work and for there on out - it's all down hill. Lol.. In the meantime, while my muse sleeps beneath a morning glory bloom, I'll browse around.
Re: Tulips and Roses by Mona Lisa	Scarlett 66.210.233.6	21-Feb-06/7:27 AM
The beginning is lovely, makes me feel that this is a muse to you. An untouchable image of passion and the dream the desires to bloom in what "could have been." There is a break though, when the dream begins. This doesn't flow together as smoothly. Don't give up on this one!
Re: Sunday i will dream again by Caducus	Scarlett 66.210.233.6	21-Feb-06/7:35 AM
Whew.... the images that flood from this poem are impressive. The pain of a love lost has been penned before but this was unique. Thoroughly enjoyed.
Re: Eden to Galillee (by Caducus) by Mona Lisa	Ranger 62.252.32.15	21-Feb-06/7:42 AM
You haven't really pinched this from Caducus have you? He's written far too much for me to check.
Re: The chestnut by richa	Ranger 62.252.32.15	21-Feb-06/7:55 AM
Man...images of a flagon full of absynthe (my spelling of it, not necessarily right though)...you have one iron liver...
Re: A daisy chain for Nina by Caducus	Scarlett 66.210.233.6	21-Feb-06/8:05 AM
I'm sure I'm off base on this, especially given the comments following the poem. But it seems to me that these are children throughout the entire poem. She made a daisy chain, ah ~ that is sweet. I remember making flowers into necklaces when I was a young girl... but enough of that - brought back a lovely memory, 'tis all. The marriage in the swamp is something children "play" at - playing house type of thing came to mind. The headscarf - immediately made me think of cancer. Too many young face this and other children don't understand, they fear what's different... The ache in the end, that she passed away ~ forever cherished, just as the chain is unending. Well, that's my ramblings...
Re: Watercolor Fairy by Scarlett	Ranger 62.252.32.15	21-Feb-06/8:18 AM
Nice, made me think of the children's story about the elves and the shoemaker, I think. It was a shoemaker, wasn't it? Anyway. Not only do I see the fairy in this dancing round the picture, I also see the artist doing the same during the day - Tesa could easily be a small child as well, giving the picture the sort of imagination that only childhood can (does that make sense?) I love the idea of hues battling for territory, although I'm not sure that 'battle' fits the feel of this piece - maybe something like 'jostle' would work better? Also I'd change 'a dew' to 'like dew' - or even just get leave out 'a'. You get the imagery spot on here.
Re: Sunday i will dream again by Caducus	some deleted user 204.97.16.34	21-Feb-06/1:24 PM
wow! This is really great work. I look forward to reading more of your stuff--you have a special talent.