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Tulips and Roses

Member since 2003 · Posted 22 Dec 2005 · 4 comments

Your hands touch me like Havana rain And you rise upon my quaking landscape In an gown of lashes Where Venus orbits Earth. I am but mist which leaves morning ghosts, Hairs by her kiss laden neck And a shape in cotton slowly going cold. She watches how I sleep Coiled in a cotton womb Where my body birthed a dream For the first time in a year. The dream was of a tulip Bowing to the roses plight It fragranced the lacerating wind Which mocked the thorns By impaling upon it The beauty it protected. The tulip wept for the rose But more rosebuds opened at dawn And tulips only blossom once But bow in death for beautiful life. So the rose sent a bee with some nectar And the tulip tasted beauty Before falling on to thorns.

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4 comments

[6] zodiac 22-Dec-05/8:53 AM Reply

Try for some unity of imagery. It's not enough to simply make up a new metaphor or image for every single thing in your poem so you end up having four comparisons in four lines, and none of them related to the others. Okay, it is enough. But who wants to be doing "enough"?

[7] celticskatermatt1 22-Dec-05/10:50 PM Reply

just wondering, but i dont get what the dream had to do with the first part? just wondering.

[6] sliver 23-Dec-05/1:03 AM Reply

What does a gown of lashes have to do with Venus orbiting the Earth, Plus the other unity issues previously mentioned. Don't give up on it, just consider new alternatives.I didn't like hearing cotton twice, consider woolen womb maybe?

[n/a] Scarlett 21-Feb-06/7:27 AM Reply

The beginning is lovely, makes me feel that this is a muse to you. An untouchable image of passion and the dream the desires to bloom in what "could have been." There is a break though, when the dream begins. This doesn't flow together as smoothly. Don't give up on this one!