| Re: Desperate Revival by Silverjackel |
Blue Magpie 212.205.251.35 |
26-Feb-06/12:58 AM |
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The focus here is rather in and out of clarity and the poem does not paint a clear picture. For example, the verb mope, is not commensurate with pure despair, it is far to light to follow it. You mope when you are slightly bored or upset. There are also the inversions in the walk/talk lines.
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| Re: Depression by terbenaw |
Silverjackel 65.151.220.136 |
26-Feb-06/1:08 AM |
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| Re: My Shattered Love by Silverjackel |
amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37 |
26-Feb-06/3:58 AM |
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Seeing how negative you are in the end justifies why she has to be worse than a typhoon or a cyclone or a twister, what ever you'd call it. I would have liked a more positive ending, you might have got an -8- from me then. Saying that you prayed for her good, rather, would have it going in your favour strongly.
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| Re: An Interview With King David by amanda_dcosta |
amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37 |
26-Feb-06/4:37 AM |
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I have been trying a different style from my usual. It would be helpful to know what you feel about it.
I have had this in mind for a long time since Alchemy asked me to be more personal with the biblical characters I was writing about. Ref: some of my earliest poems.
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| Re: Holding on for Jesus by Everyone |
Sunshine Conkey 64.12.116.6 |
26-Feb-06/5:37 AM |
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I'm not really a religious person, but love this poem....I'm saving this one.
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| Re: Karma by blankel |
Sunshine Conkey 64.12.116.6 |
26-Feb-06/5:41 AM |
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I have a friend who is really into all that Karma stuff, but personally I'm not into karma or life after death or anything like that. Just wanted to say that your poem flowed pretty good tho.
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| Re: Holding on for Jesus by Everyone |
ALChemy 24.74.100.11 |
26-Feb-06/5:57 AM |
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| Re: An Interview With King David by amanda_dcosta |
ALChemy 24.74.100.11 |
26-Feb-06/6:15 AM |
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This is a great idea. Some of the stuff is a little corny and you're likely to receive many a parody from the jokesters on this site se be ready. I found some of this very amusing in a positive way, especially the ending. Lose "lover of god", it sounds sexual no matter how you put it.
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| Re: cat by Dental Panic |
Niphredil 132.68.1.29 |
26-Feb-06/9:25 AM |
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isn't it spelled "airborne"?
My fave is the first stanza. Terrific :-)
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| Re: Today's Spam by nentwined |
Niphredil 132.68.1.29 |
26-Feb-06/9:39 AM |
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I always love being encouraged to enlarge my penis... it's so titillating.
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| Re: The Dead Poet's Dream by drnick |
amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37 |
26-Feb-06/10:11 AM |
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| Re: Buried in the Booth (edit) by drnick |
amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37 |
26-Feb-06/10:37 AM |
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I'd say that this was a good write. Sometimes a writer finds it hard to put into word what he has in mind, but I think you did a pretty good job at this. Like Dovina said, a bit of less description would make it better. Good work!
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| Re: An Interview With King David by amanda_dcosta |
MacFrantic 172.184.226.227 |
26-Feb-06/10:53 AM |
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This is okay, a bit roundabout, I liked the Love of God theme and the ending. Could've been better *7*
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
MacFrantic 172.184.226.227 |
26-Feb-06/10:56 AM |
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The pace of this poem is superb, yet the syntax is strange. Very nice. *8*
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| Re: Into the Shadows I Crawl by Silverjackel |
MacFrantic 172.184.226.227 |
26-Feb-06/10:58 AM |
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Nothing particularly intriguing about this. Very mediocre. *6*
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| Re: My Shattered Love by Silverjackel |
MacFrantic 172.184.226.227 |
26-Feb-06/11:01 AM |
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I just don't know, this is better than your other post, but the adj's seem extremely forced and the scheme is too formulaic. It makes you isolate and search for rhyme. *6*
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| Re: Today's Spam by nentwined |
MacFrantic 172.184.226.227 |
26-Feb-06/11:03 AM |
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Not the best, but entertaining. *7*
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| Re: Moonlit Glare by Silverjackel |
MacFrantic 172.184.226.227 |
26-Feb-06/11:06 AM |
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| Re: Desperate Revival by Silverjackel |
MacFrantic 172.184.226.227 |
26-Feb-06/11:10 AM |
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This is really pretty ugly. You need to stop using a dictionary, and if you are not, learn to simplify your language and still convey the same message. You conflate garbage words like "mope" with a misplace "inaugurate". *5*
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| Re: Rambling by terbenaw |
MacFrantic 172.184.226.227 |
26-Feb-06/11:13 AM |
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This is actually pretty good. It's a lot better than it should be. *9*
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