patty t
on Murder by Enkidu
15 Apr 2006, 8:43 AM
fantastic rhythm. almost TOO effortless
I like #3 because of its double meaning. 10 on #3.
Eliminate spelling errors, and maybe make it a less cliche and this isn't half bad. *5*
The grammar is off in the last two lines. I think it says that all you know is love. Okay, but that's not saying much.
I admire your ability to invent simple and beautiful phrases, however, this does not flow well and you seemed to struggle with how abstract you wanted the form to be. *7*
"I" in the chorus is the sun, but "I" in the verses is apparently the narrator. Does the sun curse the sea, or does the narrator?
A good start, and could be a good poem
The fact that the bird does his bowing so prematurely in the poem(I mean you hardly had time to enjoy him) leads me to think this is a well disguised metaphor for those 2 minute men that women are always talking about. ;D
Are you sure line 4 needs no puntuation?
self fulfilling prophecy or invented story as the subject of this work?
i guess karma at any rate.
ok at the risk of being nitpicky:
1st line: maybe a comma after "Oh", as in "Oh, morning girl..." you may want to set off this line from the rest of the following 5 lines as it is a complete sentence of its own at the very opening. or not.
3rd line: i would choose "tumultous" instead or turbulent. i realize that you are perhaps making weather references and turbulence fits, but tumultuous i think has a better ring to it. and maybe they are not a single fight, but many: "...engagged in such tumultuous fights"
4th line: lose "by". a little smoother rhythm. and maybe "day AND night".
6th line. "fates" [plural] - to me - needs to be "the Fates". or, you could say "fate befalls." i think "squall" (singular) will still rhyme enough with "befalls".
7th line: comma before "Sunshine".
10th line: needs another syllable? "the pain" or "your pain" would do it.
this is another very lovely and touching poem; i like its bittersweet quality. very nicely done. i also realize that my comments are not everyone's taste, so "take what ya want and leave the rest", as it is said in some circles.
i think to make this more powerful, you could go all the way through six days. leaving the seventh out would allude to success, maybe. especially with the title talking about 7 days, stopping after only three is selling the idea way short, less than halfway.
besides, i want to see what other ideas you come up with...
besides bjork's "hyperballad" (a favorite of mine, BTW), there is peter greenaway's film "Drowning by Numbers" which would be a great resource to consider if you want to continue this poem. besides, michael nyman;s music is fantastic to listen to when being creative, like writing and painting, etc.
here's the imdb link to the film:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092929/
i really would like to see more work on this; i hope i do get the chance before i die. ;P
I've been telling people since we went to Iraq that Iran was next. All you have to do is look at a map of the middle east to see why. It's not just about oil, it's about having the entire middle east pretty much under our thumb. Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran and of course Israel plus hopefully Jordan means you split the middle east right down the center, sea to sea. Plus, believe me, North Africa would love to start getting some of that U.S. money and this could leave a back door for trading with them. At least that's my theory so far.
Nice haiku by the way.
Good until the last 3 lines, which negate her glorious view. Maybe she looks above the mist.
I liked this a ton. The stream of consciousness aspect is pretty remarkable because it picks up momentum and carries this piece. The writing style can be a bit dragging, but it just gets better as is lengthens. Particularly enjoyed "even quantum leaps can make an educated man yawn" and "Dinosaurs drive my car! Dinosaurs drive my car! Their extinction
expedites my own." *10*
oops... looke like i clicked the little "X" instead of the "reply" ro Dovina's comment. here it is:
Comments:
Dovina 70.38.78.229 [7]
12-Apr-06/6:53 PM
As good as any creation myth, except that it goes against knowledge. Myths generally do not contradict sound understanding at the time of their writing. That's why this on falls a bit flat. Still it's nicely written.
Reply X
ALChemy 24.74.100.11 [9]
12-Apr-06/10:34 PM
It's a fable, not a myth.
Reply X
Dovina 70.38.78.229 [7]
12-Apr-06/10:38 PM
Little difference. A fable is intended as untruth, where a myth is usually said to be true. Okay - fable. Picky, picky!
Reply X
ALChemy 24.74.100.11 [9]
12-Apr-06/11:29 PM
It could have been a myth once. Yeah I know I'm picking on you but it's a freindly picking rest assured. :D
It starts out crisp an cutting, as it should. The second verse drifts from that focused beginning, and the third more so. I really like the first verse.
You were doing good until the last 5 lines. They spoil the bravery by giving the conclusion.
Here's an Easter gift I googled up for you: http://www.ctinquiry.org/publications/re