Re: metadata by digipoet	Dovina 70.38.78.229	13-Apr-06/9:30 AM
"last_modified: 01/01/00"? Nothing happened in six years? You could call this "programming"
Re: A Living Word by MacFrantic	Dovina 70.38.78.229	13-Apr-06/9:36 AM
It starts out crisp an cutting, as it should. The second verse drifts from that focused beginning, and the third more so. I really like the first verse.
Re: jay by ecargo	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	13-Apr-06/12:08 PM
The fact that the bird does his bowing so prematurely in the poem(I mean you hardly had time to enjoy him) leads me to think this is a well disguised metaphor for those 2 minute men that women are always talking about. ;D Are you sure line 4 needs no puntuation?
Re: metadata by digipoet	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	13-Apr-06/12:15 PM
Who knows, this could be the start of the next big poetry movement. You got any Pikachu haikus up your sleeve?
Re: Embrace by MacFrantic	Dovina 70.38.78.229	13-Apr-06/3:58 PM
The grammar is off in the last two lines. I think it says that all you know is love. Okay, but that's not saying much.
Re: Sails of Sorrow by D. $ Fontera	Dovina 70.38.78.229	13-Apr-06/4:06 PM
"I" in the chorus is the sun, but "I" in the verses is apparently the narrator. Does the sun curse the sea, or does the narrator? A good start, and could be a good poem
Re: a dream by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	14-Apr-06/7:08 AM
oops... looke like i clicked the little "X" instead of the "reply" ro Dovina's comment. here it is: Comments: Dovina 70.38.78.229 [7] 12-Apr-06/6:53 PM As good as any creation myth, except that it goes against knowledge. Myths generally do not contradict sound understanding at the time of their writing. That's why this on falls a bit flat. Still it's nicely written. Reply X ALChemy 24.74.100.11 [9] 12-Apr-06/10:34 PM It's a fable, not a myth. Reply X Dovina 70.38.78.229 [7] 12-Apr-06/10:38 PM Little difference. A fable is intended as untruth, where a myth is usually said to be true. Okay - fable. Picky, picky! Reply X ALChemy 24.74.100.11 [9] 12-Apr-06/11:29 PM It could have been a myth once. Yeah I know I'm picking on you but it's a freindly picking rest assured. :D
Re: Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	lmp 141.154.134.3	14-Apr-06/8:22 AM
ok at the risk of being nitpicky: 1st line: maybe a comma after "Oh", as in "Oh, morning girl..." you may want to set off this line from the rest of the following 5 lines as it is a complete sentence of its own at the very opening. or not. 3rd line: i would choose "tumultous" instead or turbulent. i realize that you are perhaps making weather references and turbulence fits, but tumultuous i think has a better ring to it. and maybe they are not a single fight, but many: "...engagged in such tumultuous fights" 4th line: lose "by". a little smoother rhythm. and maybe "day AND night". 6th line. "fates" [plural] - to me - needs to be "the Fates". or, you could say "fate befalls." i think "squall" (singular) will still rhyme enough with "befalls". 7th line: comma before "Sunshine". 10th line: needs another syllable? "the pain" or "your pain" would do it. this is another very lovely and touching poem; i like its bittersweet quality. very nicely done. i also realize that my comments are not everyone's taste, so "take what ya want and leave the rest", as it is said in some circles.
Re: 7 Days of Suicide by dragonfly	lmp 141.154.134.3	14-Apr-06/9:20 AM
i think to make this more powerful, you could go all the way through six days. leaving the seventh out would allude to success, maybe. especially with the title talking about 7 days, stopping after only three is selling the idea way short, less than halfway. besides, i want to see what other ideas you come up with... besides bjork's "hyperballad" (a favorite of mine, BTW), there is peter greenaway's film "Drowning by Numbers" which would be a great resource to consider if you want to continue this poem. besides, michael nyman;s music is fantastic to listen to when being creative, like writing and painting, etc. here's the imdb link to the film: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092929/ i really would like to see more work on this; i hope i do get the chance before i die. ;P
Re: Maybe I Wasn’t Born on a Fool’s Day by Dovina	lmp 141.154.134.3	14-Apr-06/10:22 AM
self fulfilling prophecy or invented story as the subject of this work? i guess karma at any rate.
Re: my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp	Dovina 12.72.34.147	14-Apr-06/10:32 AM
I like #3 because of its double meaning. 10 on #3.
Re: The One by deval1516	MacFrantic 204.98.2.23	14-Apr-06/12:43 PM
Eliminate spelling errors, and maybe make it a less cliche and this isn't half bad. *5*
regarding some deleted poem...	MacFrantic 204.98.2.23	14-Apr-06/12:50 PM
I liked this a ton. The stream of consciousness aspect is pretty remarkable because it picks up momentum and carries this piece. The writing style can be a bit dragging, but it just gets better as is lengthens. Particularly enjoyed "even quantum leaps can make an educated man yawn" and "Dinosaurs drive my car! Dinosaurs drive my car! Their extinction expedites my own." *10*
Re: Narcolepsy by Sunny	MacFrantic 204.98.2.23	14-Apr-06/12:53 PM
I admire your ability to invent simple and beautiful phrases, however, this does not flow well and you seemed to struggle with how abstract you wanted the form to be. *7*
Re: Murder by Enkidu	patty t 70.30.214.253	15-Apr-06/8:43 AM
fantastic rhythm. almost TOO effortless
Re: Face of Iran by Caducus	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	15-Apr-06/9:00 AM
I've been telling people since we went to Iraq that Iran was next. All you have to do is look at a map of the middle east to see why. It's not just about oil, it's about having the entire middle east pretty much under our thumb. Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran and of course Israel plus hopefully Jordan means you split the middle east right down the center, sea to sea. Plus, believe me, North Africa would love to start getting some of that U.S. money and this could leave a back door for trading with them. At least that's my theory so far. Nice haiku by the way.
Re: view from the top by pollywolly	Dovina 12.72.42.224	15-Apr-06/11:32 AM
Good until the last 3 lines, which negate her glorious view. Maybe she looks above the mist.
Re: Murder by Enkidu	Dovina 12.72.42.224	15-Apr-06/11:35 AM
Good. The last 2 lines clinch it.
Re: take a jump with me by hendrimike	Dovina 12.72.42.224	15-Apr-06/11:38 AM
You were doing good until the last 5 lines. They spoil the bravery by giving the conclusion.
Re: Genesis by Dovina	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	15-Apr-06/10:11 PM
Here's an Easter gift I googled up for you: http://www.ctinquiry.org/publications/reflections_volume_1/torrance.htm