Stephen Robins
on Maybe I Wasnât Born on a Foolâs Day by Dovina
12 Apr 2006, 5:45 AM
-10-
Since you are using punctuation, it's best to use it throughout. Comma after chrome, for one example.
It sounds like quite a trip, beginning with the needle of light or the poison berries - hard to say which.
Fantastic in every sense of the word, DP.
The descriptions are elegant and lovely, and there are some terrific lines throughout. Fourth stanza is probably my favorite. Nice.
Pretty good.
I agree with what has already been said, and I'd like to add that at the end of the 7th stanza, you should cut the last line: "Only it's not" as that is implied when you say "like a dream." I like the last stanza the most, very nice.
Bluebells flower in Spring you dick.
Dovina
on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy
12 Apr 2006, 5:27 PM
I'm trying to ignore all that's been said and read it as if new. I'm trying to see the moon in the morning, consoling the sun, and forgetting about your neice. If the moon is in the east in the morning, I think it has to be a thin crescent. Maybe it can console the sun no matter where it is in the sky, or even if it has set. It holds the sun even at night, so I guess proximity is not the point. I'm trying now to see the sun riding on the moon's shoulders, and them playing together in the rain. Again an eclipse comes to mind, but you mean it symbolically, I'm sure.
Without further input, I would take it as whimsey or pure fascination with nature.
boring
Why "dust"? Maybe "amps" or "watts"
I can only imagine that in your claim that "To pretend to have had an affair with Shane Warne" refers to tabloid claims by a young lady that she misbehaved with him following day two of the Old Trafford test in the 2005 ashes series. I can assure you that this was no pretence, and while I have no proof that he slept with her, leaving the bar "Saltwater" in central Nottingham with said young lady in tow is circumstantial evidence enough. I know this because I was there, and I saw it with mine own two eyes. Watching the aforementioned Warne depart first ball the next day to a viscous Simon Jones lifter almost made me cry with laughter. 10.
Dear Americans,
I almost began to explain this comment but I'm not even going to try.
xxx.
A few minor nitpicks. Don't use "grassy knoll", it harks back to JFK's assasination. "Grassy mound" would work fine. Change "looked" to "seemed". The word look can be the act of looking or it can be just appearing to be and that duality in the word can for a second stumble the reader's train of thought. I think you meant "she waved HER arm" in the last stanza. Otherwise I think this is a very sweet fable and I can imagine telling this as a bedtime story to my niece. Yes, very heartwarming me thinks.
Anyone seen Threads?
Very graphic and tight.
pish, posh, a lot of noise on this one, wot?
(had to put in a stuff line so my post won't be out of place...)
as you know, ALChemy, i love the Sunshine poem. I do agree that this one needs a bit of tweaking, but what doesn't?
i agree that the line about wine is a bit out of place. and that the moon reference is not barely there and i would not have known it but for your explanation. however, the sunshine does ride on the shoulders of the moon, else we would scarecely see the moon from our earthbound station.
keep working on this one, please. as for the comments, take what you want and leave the rest, i say. if someone bashes your work, whatever. if they have something useful, great, otherwise ignore it.
I almost laughed at the ending - the old-time style of it. The rest has some pretty good lines, but I don't think the funny spacing helps.