patty t
on Waves (2) by Rilke4ClosetLesbians
26 Apr 2006, 5:14 PM
cool
you are disgusting. *9
u h h h h h h h h h h h h h
the shift from I to he doesn't work for me
enough 'more's? less is more
a typo in line 3 -'too' the repetition of 'hides' is a bit heavyhanded
Ref to Brittany... http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
I liked it, but there are a few lines I think could be stronger -- "too bad, but I think low tide has come"
"as this life is sadly tasteless" "Peace maybe forever this time: and I agree the topic has been done (one too many times)
1) - is the footnote meant to be a part of the poem or just an aside?
2) - try writing this out of first person. One of the keys to good poetry is making it something the reader can feel part of.
There are just a couple too many commas in here for my taste but no other problems to my eyes. Great description and I feel that there are many interpretations which could be attached to this. Stanza four was far and away the best.
The truth is... I am lost as to what your point is behind the poem..... the phoenix... well, that's acceptable. but the rest? I think I have to re-read this tomorrow... or when I get the time, at the earliest. I am not familiar with meta-vilanelle and extra stuff like that and hence I refrain from voting. My vote wouldn't be fair.
you have a nice play of words though!
aren't most waves formed relatively near the shore? but I'm no oceanographer. *8
This is really nice. The rhymes kept it moving fluidly and the imagery is direct and vivid. I think in your last poem I commented about your writing being like a sketch; well this is a pastel landscape.
I would change two aspects of it - firstly the repetition (the first 'perhaps' - change to 'maybe', and the second 'smile') and 'gap' didn't quite seem right for clouds. No, I can't explain why I said that, it just seemed slightly off centre. The rest is magnificent.
wouldn't insanity be a non-euclidean space. (sorry to be Riemann you out like this) *9
Energetic - I felt the sharp breaths and sounds of martial artistry here. Is Tang Soo Do an offensive or defensive discipline?
I can't tell whether there's a definite object pictured here but I like the arrowing of it; conversely it also resembles the way the body folds if you've been hit in the stomach. The lines which 'stick out' a little also give the impression of speed lines.
Or it could be a top-down starship...
I think this might be stronger without the repetition of "I sleep"--it breaks the flow, IMO. Also, "yesterday's embers" borders on cliche. I think the line "I sleep as a nomad [sleeps] is one of the most interesting and would make a good opener, e.g.:
I sleep as a nomad sleeps,
separating one dawn
from the next,
listlessly tossing, settling
on another day's plain.
Life remains outside,
staining morning , etc.
Of course, that's what I'd do; not necessarily what you'd do, but I do think that cutting some of the extraneous and weaker lines (e.g., the hair and the glaring eyelids) would make this stronger.
Re: dissever versus sever--it's anologous to irregardless versus regardless: No real difference in meaning, and they're all real words, but unless your intent is to jar (and I don't get jarring from the rest of this), "dissever" sort of jerks the reader from the piece. Last line (sentence) might read a little better if it were "from my heavy flesh" (interesting image of branching out from flesh). I assume the "at night" is there to signify that the branching is in the realm of dreams or otherwise sleep-induced? Also, everything seems disassociated from a central focus--what is the sin that divides you into halves? This doesn't seem to have a real hook.
Hear the might waters roar..... that sounds like a common enough sentence with nothing new to it. More like a borrowed phrase.
Is it 'one day's plan'? Verse 2 line 2.
I haven't read all the critiques yet, that's posted below this poem.... looks like I must, but no time now. However, for my part of the critique.... personally, I liked the idea behind the poem. Sleep! Maybe it could have been put into more expressions, or perhaps the presentation better... but it has potential.
It's tricky to critique a lyric without the music so I'll limit myself to saying just that I liked the majority of it as lyric material, but I felt the last line let it down a bit. It was too...predictable. If you can insert a bit more imagination there I would like this more.