Re: grim task by lmp	Ranger 62.252.32.15	24-Apr-06/3:10 PM
Better word choice and as such the rhythm is stronger. There are so many meanings that could be attached to this; obviously there is the gravedigger, possibly also a very puritanical preacher as well. In fact, it's one of those poems which can have any interpretation applied and justified. That is a sign of a well-written piece, in my book. Actually, that's not entirely true. Poems which are totally grey can be given any interpretation because they're just completely ambiguous. The success here is to make a more colourful poem open to alternative readings (by 'colourful' I mean that it has plenty of images in; the colours invoked are very 'grim and dreary'). I think that every verse in this poem is geared towards 'weak'. I won't try to justify it, but I think you've done the same as I did in my meta-vil. It's possible that you've included deeper meanings, but these take a long time to read into. I think I've done pretty well with the reading so far, and I think you've done very well with the writing.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	24-Apr-06/3:48 PM
Great wordplay, lines 1 and 2 caught me straight away. Not sure about 'reflected through', light gets reflected off something, not through it - unless I'm missing something there. Line four again good, play on lenses and lenses', did you want a full stop after that though? I quite like the sound of it continuing to flow into the next line. 'Silent presence...' was nice and required thoughtfulness. I'm not sure about the repetition of 'world', if you decide to change one, I'd keep the second for the play of 'worlds willed/words willed'. 'You assert perfected claims' is very theologically-minded, to me at least. Top ending.
Re: Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	Sunny 66.69.36.222	24-Apr-06/6:10 PM
Here goes...I had to do some research for this one - I like that though :) *For your intended three-part "levels" if you will, I find the poem too undefined to really see by MOST readers, some will be on this level however. *Don't care for your choice in "fayre" in light of "fair," coming from a Plath lover & Shakespeare, well, dis-lover...you get it. *But more predominently overall...you do not need me to tell you that this is a well thought out piece that definitely stands for a second or third read; it deserves this much anyway. Very "vintag" poetry (with vintage technique). Very smart. ~Sunny
Re: A Bronze Mule by Dovina	Sunny 66.69.36.222	24-Apr-06/6:25 PM
Awww, now that it was layed out on a plate for me, thanks Dovina, but I promise I didn't make sure it was broken down before I read, I read first. I picked up on the scene in itself all right...all except the personal issue. I'm sorry, not to be mistaken for pity or such - I see the literary beauty that came out of those sorrows, easier said than gone through I know. *Clever theme you chose & quite appropriate in time-line sense for this metaphorical statue of a poem, but... *Not too crazy about the line breaks; I found quite a few to be a bit random & off-guard at times. Turning a cut stone into a diamond...cheers... ~Sunny
Re: 99% of the Time by TLRufener	Sunny 66.69.36.222	24-Apr-06/6:43 PM
I'll say this much: your line breaks were good. Keep in mind this is my mear opinion, but there was nothing bad about this poem, but nothing good, poetically, to me at all. Where is the imagery, sentence structure, which was quite mundane, irony, evocating phrases, irony, alliteration, unlying theme...any of these elements that make poetry good poetry?? First of all your first few lines had nothing to do with you main themes of love & hope, which words were used too repetitively. I know that this sole purpose was to inspire not be all philisophical, but it needs to grab your reader, not pep-talk them. Great speech, as far as in a poetical sense, made some revision. Best wishes, ~Sunny
Re: I Sleep by Sunny	Dovina 70.38.78.229	24-Apr-06/7:56 PM
"Dissever from reality"? I think you mean, "sever reality" "the people" seems unneeded - who elsw would you show it to? I don't know what you mean by "my separated hair." "to discriminate from sin that WHICH divides my head into halves." - a provocative line with lots of implications. "at night" at the end seems unnecessary. Does it matter whether or not it's at night.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	25-Apr-06/6:33 AM
Good start, a few grammatical points but that's not important in a first draft. I read through it twice and it had much more of an impact the second time round, the detail took a second read to grasp (quite appropriate that I had to comb through this, really). Absolutely tragic story - I'd make it less personal at the end, change 'our Mum' to 'his mother'. It makes it easier for the reader to immerse theirself within the story and make it their own.
Re: one by Adriaan	Ranger 62.252.32.15	25-Apr-06/6:43 AM
Nice lines. The start of line two threw me though, due to the possibility of 'fish' being plural. 'A fish kisses...' would be clearer for the singular, or an adjective instead of the article (I'm not sure why, but to me it would make it easier to read the singular clause than giving no clues until the verb). Alternatively, if you wanted to extend this to a 5-7-5 you could make the fish plural, as if they're acting in unison (becoming 'one') to play up the very zen aspect of this. I like it though.
Re: Fraser's Wedding by Stephen Robins	Ranger 62.252.32.15	25-Apr-06/7:25 AM
Sounds like a typically English celebration. Beautiful.
Re: To Err With Doves by MacFrantic	Ranger 62.252.32.15	25-Apr-06/7:28 AM
This is beautifully meaningful, and when I've worked out why I shall let you know! Stanza three is the best in the poem.
Re: Fraser's Wedding by Stephen Robins	Dovina 70.38.78.229	25-Apr-06/9:14 AM
Appalling
Re: The Way of Monsters by MacFrantic	ecargo 167.219.88.140	25-Apr-06/9:14 AM
I love the first line, but the rest of the first verse seems a little high minded for barbarians (quips and angels and the like). Maybe it's too many video games, but I wanted more violence (not necessarily overt). Second verse--really like the "disguise in crowded colors," the swirling, shadowy melee you invoke--fire and smoke and color and movement. Good stuff, Mac. If you could bring verses one and two closer in feeling/movement, this would be ace.
Re: I Married an Infectious Woman v.2 (My Love, 'Futility') by DreamerSupreme	ecargo 167.219.88.140	25-Apr-06/9:17 AM
LOL--well, it's a shit poem, so I have to give the obligatory and only partly ironic 10. ;) Some funny lines. ("Fleshrod" made me snort.) I like the circular ending.
regarding some deleted poem...	ecargo 167.219.88.140	25-Apr-06/9:20 AM
Not a bad stream of consciousness; you have a cool way of following random threads to something that smacks of conclusion (even if it really doesn't conclude anything). Not sure how to rate this, really--think it would make a cool poem if you manage to focus its elements into a cohesive whole somehow.
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 70.38.78.229	25-Apr-06/9:23 AM
The first verse is good. The second verse starts to wander. Why "'s" on Saturday when Saturday seems alright alone? And why "womans" when "woman" seems alright? The third verse increases the complexity of an already sad story, and seems to do so unnecessarily. Maybe it's true, though, and could be merged more gracefully with the prior account.
Re: Fraser's Wedding by Stephen Robins	ecargo 167.219.88.140	25-Apr-06/9:24 AM
O happy day! I feel almost like I was there (or maybe saw some grainy pictures). Did he wear a corset to sausage his girth into a tux? Did his stays creak as he waddled toward his ace bride?
Re: one by Adriaan	Dovina 70.38.78.229	25-Apr-06/9:26 AM
A flying fish, I presume. If so, then good first two lines, despite the 5-7-5 sin. The third line says little, it seems.
Re: To Err With Doves by MacFrantic	Dovina 70.38.78.229	25-Apr-06/9:32 AM
"clarity a surrogate to vacuity" seems a complicated thing to say. I'm not sure that it has meaning. Verse 2 is nice, in a strange way. Doves resting on gargoyles does conjure images. Then as Verse 3 carries the image to you personally, well, I don't exactly get it, but it's strangely nice.
Re: 99% of the Time by TLRufener	annadoc 161.7.2.160	25-Apr-06/4:38 PM
I really liked this poem. It reminds me of the fact that sometimes "I" can't think of all the things I "want" to stay and this was expressed so well.
Re: I Sleep by Sunny	annadoc 161.7.2.160	25-Apr-06/4:45 PM
I didn't really understand the poem I "dissever" from reality (severed)?? discriminate from sin? ramify from heavy flesh?