some deleted user
on O say, can you see? by Dovina
4 Jul 2006, 1:04 PM
Nicely put Dovina--the last stanza is cracker jack.
ok thank you for your critics that way you learn thank you :)
A fantastic read from begining to end--beautiful work ALChemy.
Not knowing any Welsh, this is a lot of trouble to go through. Why not just use the English translations?
The last verse is very nice.
I like this a lot, Paul. Yes, the last three lines are terrific. Somehow you sound as though you've just read Proverbs.
Ouch.
Typo line 19 - attempted.
No other problems with this, you've kept it concise yet detailed, and have captured an air of resignation especially well. The last three lines are super.
Nice thought and pretty well conveyed too.
I esp like the last bit...
So pop that cracker,
suspend the fight,
enjoy the margin,
and sparkle the night.
Great work Ranger--you sure do have a way with words. Could the birds struggle for purchase be because the trees were "grazed" away?
Some good lines here:
another turn of the crank
wind gently nudges the leaves to casual conversation
Somehow the argument/appology syndrone is foreign to me. I either settle with a person, or leave them. Maybe you are such a congenial man that she twists you hawever she wants.
A good read
Hello Maria,
As you can see, i am not the only one with the opinion I am about to share withyou. Ranger has the same views. Personally I ain't too impressed with your presentation and feel that you have to be original with this age-old topic Love. You've mentioned the word love toomany times and this also takes away the essence of the theme. I would rather you shorten your lines and fit it into beautifully presented verses (rhyming or free verses) with the same idea and theme you have in mind. Sorry to disappoint but I think I have to be frank in my opinion.
ok thank you for your critics that way you learn than you :)
Amanda, great poem, I'll think of this every time I start to procrastinate--as I often do.
I donât know who this is about, but it sounds like one of the fallen TV preachers. Youâve made a good comparison to Icarus from Crete who flew by constructing wings made from feathers and wax. He was warned not to fly too low, lest his wings touch the waves and get wet, or too high, lest the sun melt the wax. But the young Icarus, overwhelmed by the thrill of flying, did not heed the warning, and flew too close to the sun whereupon the wax in his wings melted and he fell into the sea.
The angle of YOUR downfall
Great writing...although I can't add much by way of war-facts and distances.
The aristocrat format is rubbish. It is essentially:
A man walks into a talent agent's office, and says, "We're a family act, and we'd like you to represent us." The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too old-fashioned." The man says, "But, this is really special." The agent says, "Okay, well what's the act?"
He replies," Well my wife and I start fisting eachother. Meanwhile by son brings out our pet pregnant alsatian and induces the birth of her zygots by forcing his hand up her arse.
My son then brings the embryonic alsatians and coaxes them into his Mother's vagina and she sqirms as the embryos wiggle in her clowns sleeve of a snatch. At this point my son pulls down his pants and arcs a rope of cum across my mouth which I gulp down. Once he's finished I bite off his cock and spit it up his arse.
As a grand finale I take out grandma's glass eye and my son shits out his cock into her skull. She catches septicimia and we root her lifeless corpse with the dead alsatians head. All this time my wife is reading aloud the painfully self-obsessed poetry of Dovina whilst slicing the skin off my buttocks."
The agent just sits in silence for a long time. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call yourselves?"
"The Aristocrats!" The man replies.
Very funny!
I quite like the mirror image here. Maybe this could be a longer poem, more devloped poem though.
There is something really satisfying about the matter-of-fact statement and description here, although some of the images are a bit abstract for me like Tchaikovsky buying my wife...
This reminds me of a poem by John Ash that I think was called 'A Novel'. This feels like it could be a whole novel in one poem.
On first read, this is good. I don't have time now, but will get back