T. Jonathron Remp
on what is poetry 101 by Skamper
23 Dec 2014, 9:52 AM
correct
Aye... and amen to tbe muse we all love to abuse.
hair weeping.... brain thinking because the night sky was weeping into your hair... Now I am weeping and the tears are seeping but I gotta stop to wipe my nose - Overall I like it - 7.5
If your heart beats fire beneath another and then you ride him into the ocean... did you switch places?
Overall I liked it. reminds me that there is another lobe to the brain - not left nor right but from the "light side" of the brain.
Gotta check out Daphne's website...
This feels like you're writing from the heart, trying to find the words to make it more universal...but the effect for me is just that's it's more generic/bland.
The T'was feels affected, and [broken] stands out in an odd way as you're not playing with/using punctuation anywhere else....
interesting idea, but I'm not feeling it.
Consciousness exists to destroy itself—from pain to pleasure, to make the pain go away—and retreat back to the nothingness from whence it came.
good luck!
It paid semi-pro rates regardless; the "if it sells" was the long-tail dream of icing on the cake.
not following...nice flow/sounds.
some nice images (or well-coined/well-conveyed), but doesn't really work for me as a poem.
I like how it leaves me hanging, but that's all that strikes me....
cute :)
I really like the potential of the first two stanzas, but the rest disappoints, for me—give me more color, more shifting, more playing with vision (other than bright/dark). Though loss poems are particularly hard to do, in that the general doesn't connect and the particular may be too particular. And they are done, and done, and done--but try to dig into more senses, cohere it all, and don't give up....
the second stanza is your poem. drop the rest. maybe explore that more, or maybe don't. 6 for the poem as whole.
there is a lot of feeling and outrage and sadness that is begging poetic justice in this poem
i love your thoughts. they are in the right place and the poem works on some levels. keep engineering the phrases. and perhaps punctuation is needed, for example:
Alas doing, for the sake of bread
no?
Cliché, yeah, near pimple status? Oh... none of us want to know what parody i'd make of this... too fuckin easy, aye. Do you wish me to judge thy heart,
or thy ART? This poem.. I give a four, so that thy heart might not sour. :)
Fuck you who looks down on me--
when Rome falls, you'll be fucked
while I'll finally be set free.
Set your own fucking condescending self free. Vulgarity obviously hasn't worked. Look around and realize, you shackle yourself.
I'll give you a ten if you can condense this into a haiku. :P