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The Spell(Alice part I) (Lyric) by alvinb My bright blue skies have faded
My world unsaturated
and it feels like it's out of hue..
The vividness has turned gray
Gone are the colors of May
nothing left but blue..
It used to shine so bright
Surrounded by bright light
I'm sinking deep inside
Sinking deep in my own lies
Now it's hard for me to move
My screws are turning loose
Feels like my soul was shattered..
I lay in darkness, my friend
I see memories I've forsaken
All of that is you...
It used to shine so bright
but now it's dark outside
It's buried deep inside
Buried deep in my own lies...
Up the ladder:
Rewrite
Down the ladder:
poetry
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Posted: August 21, 2012 3:40 AM PDT; Last modified: May 26, 2014 5:46 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.0 Overall Rank: 8160 Comments:
This is not a lyric. It takes me barely more that 30 seconds to sing this. There's no fucking chorus. As free verse I'd be inclined to give this a four. As a "lyric"? 1.
I really like the potential of the first two stanzas, but the rest disappoints, for me—give me more color, more shifting, more playing with vision (other than bright/dark). Though loss poems are particularly hard to do, in that the general doesn't connect and the particular may be too particular. And they are done, and done, and done--but try to dig into more senses, cohere it all, and don't give up....
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~gulp~ ~gulp~
__OBLIVION!__