Loads of potential but messy - very messy. 5

Don't get it? help !

This is truly the most agonisingly tacky thing I have ever had the misfortune to read. I have the greatest respect for your feelings, but this is absolute drivel. I refer you to: http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=51209 http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=67061 I wish I could think of a better word, implying more sicklyness than 'saccharine'. But I can't.

And a new man would hum, And if I mentioned his name I would upset my Mum. I thought that this meant your mom was cheating and she felt guilty if you talked of her lover who would show up after your dad went to work. But the end makes it sound like your dad left and was gone forever. I think the pronoun usage in the lines above are confusing and I don't know who you are talking about. this coinfusion muddies up the meaning of your poem.

weak, forced rhymes, very little substance. sounds juvenile. are you in seventh grade?

lyric ? it could be if you get a chorus.

I've never lost a game yet - honest -

Loved the opening. It reminded me of a pimple rap rant. Thanks for cheering me up on this miserable monday. 8

yeah, been there. My mom's a piece of work, too.

are the hands moon-bathed or light bulb lit? i can't see how they can be both--or how you could type by moonlight.

end punctuation is a bit disruptive, they should read like sentences, and a "." makes the reader stop, which chops up your poem. same for ","... hope the feedback helps. also-3rd stanza a bit awkward in 3rd and 4th line.

I would prefer sharper images that show rather than tell. Freshen it up with some style, some images, some metaphors or similies...something more than this. I like the form, though.

You have a bright future in greeting cards.

Not bad t'all. Your problem though is line 1 ! its so cliched and by the time I got over it I had missed the following lines which are pretty good. There's no shame in a 7

Line 2 is the type of line you need to use consistently. Line 6 is reader asphyxiation. Your ever helpful Caducus x x x

Gotta tell you sweetie - love your work 9.

Oh the end, the end ahhhhhh ! A belly laugh. I have to say I enjoyed this poem, very rich full of detail, scene set with splendour and written with panache. From intro to end this has class -10- Fucking A

--------------------------------------------------- MOTHER TERESA VI: --------------------------------------------------- An experimental rocket powered hybrid based on the original Mother Teresa II angelic warrior. Twin rocket packs provide approximately 2 squillion kidneys of thrust per square foot of pulped nappy. Special moves: the reverse rocket squat and the now infamous "FOETUS CANNON". Primary weakness: Every five minutes, Mother Teresa VI will launch itself, head-first, into the nearest brick wall. Hobbies include "scrabble" and "delivering potatoes" ---------------------------------------------------

Sure you liked his "longboard". Remove the question mark after "gig".

There are a few errors in there, unless you wrote them on purpose. Anyway, I assume the title is supposed to be "Involuntarily Yours", breadth= breath, and I would say "propped-open" instead of prop-open because prop-open sounds like a verb, when it seems that you'd prefer an adjective there. I liked this line: "fuck my rib cage,unhallowed jail!"