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You Had To Go (Free verse) by peaceseeker furrowed my brow, hunched my shoulders
and saw you, very possibly, you saw
me as well, as I walked past the taverna.
later, as I inched towards the door
searching, your face smiled at mine.
caught in the headlights of your eyes
my eyes widened and I backed away
into the darkness, with my "friend."
later, while you were onstage singing
and playing your first band gig?
I think you saw me pull up outside.
you turned around and looked out at me
at the end of a song, the next one I knew
by heart, I sang along, sitting outside
in my car, engine off, windows down
my friend smoking, trying to understand.
all I know is I gave you too much
and never really drew the line with you.
I just wanted to be with you, forever
I was always too available for you.
but man, I loved to ride your longboard
it was only a loan, and you had to go
play your longboard and ride your guitar.
Up the ladder:
Obsidian Reflection
Down the ladder:
A Rally
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.6666665
Posted: September 21, 2003 6:48 PM PDT; Last modified: September 21, 2003 6:48 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.4482355 Overall Rank: 2937 Comments:
[10]
Jeremi B. Handrinos @ 24.126.113.154
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21-Sep-03/7:25 PM
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Reply
That's heavy.
[_] AABB rhyming scheme
[X] About romantic love [_] About writing [_] About suicide or self-mutilation [_] Arbitrary indentation [X] Arbitrary line breaks [_] Autobiographical but in the third person [_] Clerical errors [_] Clichéd imagery (gazing out of window, pits of despair) [_] Clichéd rhymes (love/above, heart/apart) [_] 'Depression' words (putrid, wretched, darkness) [X] Devoid of alliteration or any such linguistic embellishments [X] Devoid of rhyme [X] Devoid of simile, reification or any such literary devices [X] Devoid of wondrous or fantastical imagery [_] Drug reference [_] Elves, unicorns, etc. [_] Insipidly whimsical or zany [_] Internet shorthand or emoticons [_] Leaving rant [X] Lower case [_] 'Lyrics' [X] Melodramatic [_] Naively religious or superstitious [_] Obsessed with femininity [_] Overabundance of ellipses [X] Pointedly unanswered questions [_] Rage against the machine [X] Reference to the author's 'social life' [_] Repetition of a word or phrase to the point of nausea [_] Sanctimonious [X] Self-obsessed [_] Sentimental [_] Smugly-named protagonist [_] Thesaurophilia [_] Untitled [_] Vicarious wish fulfilment
First of all, you have way too much free time.
Secondly, your smug little check-list tries to fit my poem into some little box and is very assumptuous. Which we both know makes an "ass out of me and you." Please try commenting without hiding behind a list of inconsequential criteria.
No, it would make an "ass out of mptuous and you". Which leaves me in the clear. Furthermore, sir, there is no word "assumptuous" in the English language.
I no longer feel inclined to call you a capital fellow.
Sure you liked his "longboard". Remove the question mark after "gig".
I loved his longboard in both senses of the word!
-but I don't know if it was his first gig with his band!! 190 view(s)
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