bwaha
on Amputee by INTRANSIT
17 Apr 2007, 7:16 AM
Love the simplicity in this.
The imagery is powerful though. A lot of attempts to end a piece in sardonic wit are trite or overdone but this entire thing flows from start to finish without a hitch.
I like it alot.
I think your first verse is the strongest here. It is simplistic and beautiful and powerful.
Bit confused about the connection to albatross, though.
I love the strong, vivid language you use in this. That can be easy to overdue, but you have struck a near perfect balance here, I think.
This takes a very...sensual approach to something that most people gloss over or take for granted, I think. I like it a lot.
It is sort of like a song.
It is sort of like a song.
It is sort of like a song.
It is sort of like a song.
Don't know what happened. rockmage
I love the second line. I keep reading it. The word "bleak" is, uh, onomonapeida (sp?), yeah. Duh, you know what I mean and I won a trophy for spelling in 7th grade, but it phonetically intersects with its meaning? Is that the word? Or does that mean the word is the actual sound, like "beep"? God I love pot.
Also,I kind of see a empty space between the last two lines?
P.S. Funny aside: the first time I read this I thought 5th line read: "uncoupled from his sNoring"; hee.
That bum is me.
I see it.
I dig it. Perhaps some other word(s) can maintain the sensitivity of this piece better than "human life". Sorry I don't have a suitable substitute at the ready.
I think that "neat" is the perfect word to end this on. Not only is it a juvenile complement to the whimsy of this piece, the conotation is just as Leave-it-to-Beaver, 50's-ish as a the very bacon breakfast of which you speak.
Ditto richa's comment on the Unions Station piece.
Suggestions:
Line 2 I'm in a raffle kind of mood
Line 5 lose -stools go with vinyl perches
6/7 lose for.
Will it go 'round in circles?
This is awesome.
Verily the most enjoyable romp around the foyer of hotel failure for three long years!
Having finished writing this did you go and gun down a load of students?
Hollie Bollie, this is indeed sort of like a song. It is sort of like a song before it is sung.
Dogs who drink beer? Where did you think up this line? for dogs drink water not beer.