| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
A twisted Trail in Edenâs Garden (Free verse) by Dovina Sin is crouching at your doorâ
she heard it said to Cain.
His mother, Eve, remembers well
the day she sat there crouching,
halfway through a tasty sin.
Suckered, sold and saddened,
by verdict, vouched and valid,
she lingered just for one last treat,
sweet sensation, lone indulgence
before the exit, slam and lock,
thorns and sweat outside the gate.
Up the ladder:
Jesus-f-ingChrist I'm Sober
Down the ladder:
..
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.625
Posted: March 24, 2007 4:30 PM PDT; Last modified: March 24, 2007 4:30 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.7059712 Overall Rank: 1936 Comments:
[9]
Skamper @ 202.6.132.11
|
24-Mar-07/8:51 PM
|
Reply
Choices and hindsight, glimpses of hidden possibilities all written here. Not 100% sure of the meaning, but I appreciate what it brings to me.
[n/a]
Dovina @ 208.127.114.48
> Skamper
|
31-Mar-07/7:13 AM
|
Reply
After you've been caught, found guilty and sentenced, why not sit a spell and enjoy another sin.
I thought the title said 'A twisted Trail in Edna's Garden'. How terrifying would that be? As for the poeme itself, it's well written. If I were to be picky (and I am) then my only suggestion might be to change 'before' to something that doesn't start on a soft stress. It's not a particularly important crit though.
Start with a hard stress and end soft; you poetes are all alike.
Is that not the meaning of life?
No Ranger it is not.
Then my degree is doomed :(
Very dark! I like it!
Oh, that dark lady, Eve!
I love the strong, vivid language you use in this. That can be easy to overdue, but you have struck a near perfect balance here, I think.
This takes a very...sensual approach to something that most people gloss over or take for granted, I think. I like it a lot.
Hmmm.. lemme see. Quite a few points came to mind when I read this. First of all, I like the theme. Secondly, I like the similar syllables used like... suckered, sold and saddened... and verdict, vouched and valid. Thirdly... its very good imagery you've pictured there at the end, ie. the last two lines. Very emphatic. Good work.
It takes some knowledge of story to get that from the last two lines, which you seem to have.
Very lyrical. Nice to see that from you.
One must remember it took the devil himself to seduce Eve but it only took a woman to seduce Adam.
But not all Adams are so easily deceived. Even cutting through their nicknames and deciphering their secrecy often leaves an Eve lonely and flowerless.
Sorry hun, flower girl position has already been taken but the bride has been instucted to aim for you with the bouquet. Till then remember a rose as radiant as you needs no accompaniment of other flowers.
Tell her no, any direction but that. Cross-country biking brings greater highs - 500 miles so far, 28,000 feet climbed, and only 12% there. But thanks for your concern.
254 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
