poemranker ::The Corner Tavern by jessicazee

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Free verse № 151521

The Corner Tavern

by jessicazee

Member since 2002 · Posted 18 Apr 2007 · 7 comments

Pulltabs and buzz-ins, raffles, a current holiday mood Surprise me with your jukebox and play me one stringy song for vinyl perching stools, for nicknames and pleasantries for weeping chilled mugs and dogs who drink beer I'll give you a crispy dollar to hear the one about the wheels and how they go round and how I'm watching them

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mean 6.29 weighted 5.35 rank 3414 views 174 View voting details →

7 votes so far. Yours would make 8.7 votes so far

7 comments

[7] half.italian 18-Apr-07/1:18 PM Reply
I see it.
[9] INTRANSIT 19-Apr-07/8:26 AM Reply
Suggestions:

Line 2 I'm in a raffle kind of mood

Line 5 lose -stools go with vinyl perches
6/7 lose for.

Will it go 'round in circles?
[10] Stephen Robins 19-Apr-07/8:57 AM Reply
Dogs who drink beer? Where did you think up this line? for dogs drink water not beer.
[6] Sasha 20-Apr-07/10:04 PM Reply
It's like mallarmé , but without the musicality and with a damp lyricism.
[8] bwaha 23-Apr-07/8:11 AM Reply
I like the way you evoke your mood in this, though I have to question your use of the word stringy, and more especially....current. A current holiday mood - what exactly does this mean? Does the fact that it is current contribute something to what you are saying? A more descriptive or evocative modifier might work better here.


I can only assume that your last verse is referring to Lennon, which I think is fantastic, I absolutely love that song. And your description of a dollar as being "crispy" is quite interesting, not something I would have ever thought to use myself.
[n/a] jessicazee › bwaha 26-Apr-07/2:25 AM Reply
philos,
thanks for your thoughtful comments. I think you're right with "stringy". I want that line to read "summer songs, a sing-along". (?)
And the "current" holiday mood I was going for, um, like whatever holiday is upcoming, the bar's decorations foretell & anticipate that. (i.e. lighted shamrocks & leprechaun cut-outs). Maybe I will expand & elaborate.
Yes about the last bit, a song on said jukebox and for the last two weeks burned hotly on my brain's iPod function.
[4] sca 6-Jun-07/2:45 AM Reply
Hm, I like this and I don't.

I like how you desribe things, in themselves, but I don't like the repetition. Kitch language (which I like), but then again the repetition of words like and and for and how kind of drown it out.

But I mean, we're talking personal tastes here. You know how it's best read, not me lol.