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The Corner Tavern (Free verse) by jessicazee Pulltabs and buzz-ins,
raffles, a current holiday mood
Surprise me with your jukebox
and play me one stringy song
for vinyl perching stools,
for nicknames and pleasantries
for weeping chilled mugs
and dogs who drink beer
I'll give you a crispy dollar
to hear the one about the wheels
and how they go round
and how I'm watching them
Up the ladder:
Sauvignon
Down the ladder:
A Message from my Dreams
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.285714
Posted: April 18, 2007 12:15 AM PDT; Last modified: April 18, 2007 12:15 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.345782 Overall Rank: 3431 Comments:
[7]
half.italian @ 76.172.249.205
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18-Apr-07/1:18 PM
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Reply
I see it.
Suggestions:
Line 2 I'm in a raffle kind of mood Line 5 lose -stools go with vinyl perches 6/7 lose for. Will it go 'round in circles?
Dogs who drink beer? Where did you think up this line? for dogs drink water not beer.
It's like mallarmé , but without the musicality and with a damp lyricism.
I like the way you evoke your mood in this, though I have to question your use of the word stringy, and more especially....current. A current holiday mood - what exactly does this mean? Does the fact that it is current contribute something to what you are saying? A more descriptive or evocative modifier might work better here.
I can only assume that your last verse is referring to Lennon, which I think is fantastic, I absolutely love that song. And your description of a dollar as being "crispy" is quite interesting, not something I would have ever thought to use myself.
philos,
thanks for your thoughtful comments. I think you're right with "stringy". I want that line to read "summer songs, a sing-along". (?) And the "current" holiday mood I was going for, um, like whatever holiday is upcoming, the bar's decorations foretell & anticipate that. (i.e. lighted shamrocks & leprechaun cut-outs). Maybe I will expand & elaborate. Yes about the last bit, a song on said jukebox and for the last two weeks burned hotly on my brain's iPod function.
Hm, I like this and I don't.
I like how you desribe things, in themselves, but I don't like the repetition. Kitch language (which I like), but then again the repetition of words like and and for and how kind of drown it out. But I mean, we're talking personal tastes here. You know how it's best read, not me lol. 174 view(s)
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