candaliesa
on some deleted poem
6 Jan 2004, 2:17 AM
NEVER MIND ALL THE NEGOTIVE PEOPLE. I THINK YOU SHOULD WRITE WHAT YOU SEE, AND HOW YOU FEEL. IF THE READERS DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU HAVE TO SUBMIT. THEN MOST LIKELY THEY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND.
NEVER MIND ALL THE NEGOTIVE PEOPLE. I THINK YOU SHOULD WRITE WHAT YOU SEE, AND HOW YOU FEEL. IF THE READERS DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU HAVE TO SUBMIT. THEN MOST LIKELY THEY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND.
well although you didn't think it was going to be any good. i must admit i liked it. i say a 9
In reverse this poem is ace!!!!
Again and wind is a nice half-rhyme.
A lot of cliches though such as my heart is free (has it been let out of your rib cage?)
Also hearts do not have melodies they have beats.
Line breaks, well communicated, interesting idea, nice sounds.
I don't want to spoil this for others, though I'd like to assess it better than just saying: The period in s-2 bugs me. and I get a little lost with the (touch of a glass) I really think I understand this, glitches aside. 8 because I'm unsure. How was my assesment of the other poem, anywho.
Excellent raw material! for a song OR a poem. no matter that it is disorganised. Take your time to sift through this. Separate the simple stuff from the deep and better images/phrasings. See how much good dstuff there is, then add to it. 7 it's there, work it.
Love it, but I have a suggestion for the first stanza, last line:
________________________________________
The way its written is confusing; theres abrupt changes in topic that don't correspond with earlier parts of a line, etc, and other scattered defects- some examples:
"White russians with Courvosier not vodka
and Sade, my new best friends."
Unclear if the russians or the liquers are your new best friends.
"It's not their fault, just another piece
I just wanna punch a grandfather clock,"
First line is left hanging, unfinished- Another piece of who/what? The clock? "their"? etc.
"departed black lesbian car hauler, sister."
Way too many adjectives crammed together- keep it simple like:
"my recently departed *black lesbian sister"
*- is it really that important to state her race? what relevance does it have with the poem? (what does the entire stanza have to do with the overall poem? theres nothing in the beginning that reveals your sisters place in this piece what so ever)
In short, its chaotic and totally drives me bonkers.. the core feeling/idea is somewhat laid out, and you've expressed the angst well, but haven't given it any clear direction or distinctness.
Blessed with 6.
________________________________________
Not bad at all..
Heres a well deserved nine.
It almost an exact commercial-script of a goverment sponsored television community message.
I've heard/seen the same exact shit on radio & cable television..
You can't get more unorginal than this girlie.
Heres a two..
Could of shortened this slightly..
but I love it! Bound to a wheelchair or not? doesn't matter- it just adds spice to this jesters comic waltz.
But honestly, who the fuck spends time wondering whether your telling the truth or just being full of shit?
Theres more amusing things to ponder and do.
Blessed with nine.
Sorry bro. Didn't know I'd left ya hangin'. This hits my ears much better though. Who dropped the blue four is beyond me.
Um, no thanks. If it's all the same, i'll stay dirty.
Catchy, yet says nothing. I can't say I like it.
netwind: Yah I totally agree with you. I don't like it too much either, I put in on here on a whim after i finished writing it. It kinda gets stuck in my head and i was just curious to know what people thought of it. It's very, like, depressed pop, i guess.
Spiffy! Very dark. kinda wierded me out though
You live every day and cannot comprehend paying a price for your sinful actions? Life exacts a toll in a small way, simply with repercussions. Christ's sacrifice paved our way, allowed us to seek and receive forgivness, but only for those who are truly penitent. Great poem Bratsy, even though the pagans (broad translation) can't understand.