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The burlesque circus clown [revised] (Free verse) by Don-Quixote
Corrupted and profane is he the poet undone; a sly blue collar comic whose voice raves in assorted tongues. With vigor he flouts the sapless and those willing to oppose him. A buffoon in the burlesque circus is he the poet undone. A vicious Hydra in the freak show is he the poet undone. Proud and stubborn in his arrogance, he rises up before the morning sun; mask painted bright before the show has begun- waiting to be revealed as he the poet undone. Resented or acclaimed it matters not, because when the charade ends everyone will leave undone- exposed by the light of dusk before a smiling jester; the fool who has won, masked before the setting sun.

Up the ladder: tanka (3)
Down the ladder: Gone Bad

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Weighted score: 5.0
Overall Rank: 7827
Posted: December 30, 2003 2:37 PM PST; Last modified: January 6, 2004 10:46 AM PST
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Comments:
[10] INTRANSIT @ 205.188.208.105 | 31-Dec-03/6:44 AM | Reply
Whew. I thought I was the only buffon here. ha! Needs tweaks. Verbalize with volume and you'll find them. high nines.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.170.33 > INTRANSIT | 6-Jan-04/10:25 AM | Reply
I've recited it out loud, but haven't been able to spot what needs tweaking.

Since I wrote it, I read/recite it in a way that sound correct to my eyes/ears- so theres no way I can detect the faults that you've come across. ;/

If it isn't too much trouble, could you point out what you feel needs tweaking and give a short explaination why? (Am I a demanding jackass or what? then again I've been alot more annoying in the past..)

I'd appreciate it, thanks.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.170.33 > INTRANSIT | 6-Jan-04/10:37 AM | Reply
I've made some slight changes that smooths the flow some, point out anything that I've missed or haven't noticed.
[10] INTRANSIT @ 152.163.252.72 | 6-Jan-04/4:37 PM | Reply
Sorry bro. Didn't know I'd left ya hangin'. This hits my ears much better though. Who dropped the blue four is beyond me.
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