Shuushin
on The back of a shovel? by horus8
17 Jan 2004, 5:39 PM
"Then..." I think?
good one.
There is an art to crude imagry. This doesn't cut it.
This piece sounds very forced. As a poete, when you end up with lines like "My state of mind is a real disgust" or "Till I can heal my burn" you really ought to be asking yourself "Have I been praying enough?".
Well?
Have you?
Because if you haven't, how can you possibly hope to come up with good, rhyming lines through the love of Christ without compromising on the sheer absurdity quotient? A good effort, though! -7-
I think it is one of the great tragedies of society that on the playground the word "gay" is synonymous with "filthy urchin". Can't children find something better to do during playtime than tearing madly about the place calling each other "gay"? It's extremely damaging because some of those children will actually be homos and, before you know it, they'll be taken in by all the hype and might start to believe that there is something "filthy" and "urchin-like" about being a "raving bender". Which there isn't. Thanks and God Bless.
inspired by the clearest day ,looking across a lake in nz and dreaming
Not sure the eccentric rhyming scheme works. No need to interupt the story in such a way.
That aside this is a very poignant allegory.
Possibly your best with sidewalked.
Seems to flow well bar the last verse. A little unremarkable though - would get a few marks on the dark angel mediocrity scale perhaps.
I like the first three stanza's quite a lot, but the end doesn't cut it.
What are you saying, that the whimsy of a sentient fungus is not just a metaphor and this is a horror poem? Or are you alluding to the effects of poison/hallucinogenic mushrooms -- if so it could be sketched much better.
But you taught me a new word, that's pretty rare, lol.
Nitpick: no need to say great when in the next line you say colossal.
The best thing about this poem is your name.
Tell me though what were the 'radicals' arranging? Another stupid fucking 7 Eleven for you and your friends to stand in front of after school?
Unfortunately, you get off lucky. Because WE HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU SING THE SAME FUCKING SONG OVER AND OVER AGAIN! CHRIST, you are the ultimate one trick poney. GOD, TAKE A FuCKING CLASS or something? Please.
Yeats huh? Yeah right.
Sure it wasn't knocked up to look down?
My friend you have been misinformed we all know love is an exploding american soldier on a tenspeed in the middle of some sand niggered hell hole.
ooh how I live in your mind.....I feel there...great verse
did you date my ex....LOL
The only lines in this shit that haven't already been in literally hundreds of wannabe poems, stupid pop songs, or country & western songs is "All I ever wanted was to swim in your heart/And maybe once a week a chance to rim while you fart"
Ok, the second line isn't actually in either any pop songs or this shit.
Oh shit, I just googled for "swim in your heart" and I was wrong. It's not original either. "rim while you fart" gets no googles, maybe you should use it instead? To have ONE original phrase at least?