| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Stand by me (Free verse) by Cougarchic Please stand by me
For I need someone to trust
Why can't they see?
My state of mind is a real disgust
Please let me be
For I am a mess
I'm a site to be seen
I don't want to press
I want to be able to trust
I need you to listen
Cause I'm just about to bust
Please stand by me
For I really want to learn
You may need to wait
Till I can heal my burn
I hate this helpless state
I feel I may go crazy
How can I make you see that the trouble is inside of me?
That is why we always fight
For I think you shouldn't know my plight
For if I tell you all thatâs dear
It's all the consequences that I fear
Up the ladder:
The Unknown Soldier
Down the ladder:
Mr. Stryker, Do You Really Want Some Kind of War?
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.2
Posted: January 13, 2004 10:51 PM PST; Last modified: January 13, 2004 10:51 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.1430435 Overall Rank: 5442 Comments:
[6]
richa @ 81.178.253.199
|
14-Jan-04/10:03 AM
|
Reply
A little too much silliness really. 'My state of mind is a real disgust'???!. I don't care if it does rhyme.
This piece sounds very forced. As a poete, when you end up with lines like "My state of mind is a real disgust" or "Till I can heal my burn" you really ought to be asking yourself "Have I been praying enough?".
Well? Have you? Because if you haven't, how can you possibly hope to come up with good, rhyming lines through the love of Christ without compromising on the sheer absurdity quotient? A good effort, though! -7-
I liked the ending verse. To plain need more of a messeage.
252 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
