You have no command over your disobedient words. The old couples in the adjoining apartments hear them screeching all day for sugar-teats while you chain-smoke Virginia Slims 100s on your chintz-pattern couch, watch your "stories" and ignore them entirely. People like you, they mutter in the halls, have no right to words... Somebody oughta call the law on you...

The second and third stanzas are the hardest for me. I just don't feel the rhythm, or the period after post. I should be a comma or semicolon.

OK I quite like triple rhyme, just a few things dont track. You are crying... why do you jest. Blackened ivory -- ivory is a cream colour, why would you blacken it, especially for use as braille. The final verse.

You're a fine one trick pony.

You ought to be inserted into a beefburger and compressed.

<Sigh...>

Rewrite this from the perspective of a lobster. [8 marks]

I think the comparison between woodwork and nightmare needs to be more elaborate. If it works it would be ace, but at the moment I am not getting it.

cute

something with less finality at the end I think would do wonders for this. Something more poignant. I like the use of repetition.

"We float, With gentle exhaust, Allowing us to relax. Relieved " sounds somehow biological. I like the aliteration.

second to last stanza is what yer shootin fer - the rest leaves me nothing to imagine.

I'd rather some examples than a list of options. From this information could could make a good poem. Some weaknesses would add interest (otherwise the reader becomes jealous and spiteful).

Verry sweeet. Touching without a trace of sappiness - surprised myself at the reaction. well done. I'm going to suggest, despite my liking it very much, that you replace "summer" with something more specific (either a particular day or a month). My immediate reaction was "overused word" - but you quickly pulled me into the body to forget.

somemorecommas or something in stanza three would be nice - it kindof just keeps going. I feel like there is something deep here, and I like it, but the flow is distracting me.

Thanks Horus! lol I capitalized Gone because I thought it would put more of a punch on the ending? I'm just beginning and trying new things. I'm open to ideas.

Flows quite well in an older-world way.

nicely done.

What white temple, if you are to use paris, I would suggest make some reference other than it is paris. Other than that cute, like knocking themselves dizzy

You obviously need a magical whore cape like mine. And more satellite tv royalties. Oh, and maybe a good motherfucking and a tight knit group of loose friends with interesting phrases like, "What if" and "Maybe, like, what if", then and only then will you respect the little man on the wood thing. What if, life had nothing to do with sluts, angels and Jesus, but real things like mountains, oceans, and life would you feel better?