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The Commanding Disobedince of Words (Free verse) by daggatolar And language, disagrees
But with no feet to mount a calvary
Crusading against us . We cross
To bless our instrument of sin
A load full of nails to hammer
The other load of poison litany
We are free from sin
The commanding disobediance
Of words
To death on the cross
We crossed
A peculiar and unseen type of speaking
A sin
Up the ladder:
deviant conveniences
Down the ladder:
Y Tylluanod
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.4
Posted: February 21, 2004 6:32 PM PST; Last modified: February 21, 2004 6:32 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.166884 Overall Rank: 5036 Comments:
[7]
richa @ 81.178.247.150
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22-Feb-04/5:10 AM
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Reply
instrument of sin? coyly CLS
Well, I wouldn't go as far to say it is CLSish for two reasons, one - you actually say something here that is between the lines, two - I've read some of your other stuff and I know you are not of her ilk (but I can see how richa think so). Yours is more of a soldiers perspective, where her's is more of a - child.
So, this one: a few line breaks and line spacings would help quite a bit, imho. I suppose you stuck the lone period in there and ommitted any other punctuation for a reason - not feeling it. The string of capitals feels anagramatic... which would be interesting. I like "They did not invite me", btw.
You have no command over your disobedient words. The old couples in the adjoining apartments hear them screeching all day for sugar-teats while you chain-smoke Virginia Slims 100s on your chintz-pattern couch, watch your "stories" and ignore them entirely. People like you, they mutter in the halls, have no right to words... Somebody oughta call the law on you...
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