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The Commanding Disobedince of Words (Free verse) by daggatolar
And language, disagrees But with no feet to mount a calvary Crusading against us . We cross To bless our instrument of sin A load full of nails to hammer The other load of poison litany We are free from sin The commanding disobediance Of words To death on the cross We crossed A peculiar and unseen type of speaking A sin

Up the ladder: The Negro
Down the ladder: The kissing chair incident

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.4
Weighted score: 5.166884
Overall Rank: 4954
Posted: February 21, 2004 6:32 PM PST; Last modified: February 21, 2004 6:32 PM PST
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Comments:
[7] richa @ 81.178.247.150 | 22-Feb-04/5:10 AM | Reply
instrument of sin? coyly CLS
[8] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 | 22-Feb-04/6:04 AM | Reply
Well, I wouldn't go as far to say it is CLSish for two reasons, one - you actually say something here that is between the lines, two - I've read some of your other stuff and I know you are not of her ilk (but I can see how richa think so). Yours is more of a soldiers perspective, where her's is more of a - child.

So, this one: a few line breaks and line spacings would help quite a bit, imho. I suppose you stuck the lone period in there and ommitted any other punctuation for a reason - not feeling it. The string of capitals feels anagramatic... which would be interesting.

I like "They did not invite me", btw.
[7] zodiac @ 152.30.60.186 | 23-Feb-04/8:29 AM | Reply
You have no command over your disobedient words. The old couples in the adjoining apartments hear them screeching all day for sugar-teats while you chain-smoke Virginia Slims 100s on your chintz-pattern couch, watch your "stories" and ignore them entirely. People like you, they mutter in the halls, have no right to words... Somebody oughta call the law on you...
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