Shuushin
on some deleted poem
27 Feb 2004, 7:22 AM
is quite good, only some slight moments where it sounds a slave to the rhyme.
(original)
The dumb squirrel has again
tilted the earth
the clod-footed geranium's
ear bends to bedrock,
a boneless body
again to be buried
up to its neck
in soil. Spadework,
the skies stay open.
How adorable to read a poeme about passion from one of poemrankers Christian Youth.
(the collapse thing is a bit naff and 'stroke me'?)
Tell me something I may not know
Me too, I had a herpe so fucking huge last week, I could stand behind it.
"You are" not so bright aye?
radical
question... why did u put question... why did u put There's already a shit Type 0 Negative song called this. I suggest you cram a piano into your mouth and then punch a beehive.
on one of my poems... i wrote this poem myself.. i looked it up and yes there is a song called Don't Wanna Be Me but its not the same song.. not even close.. i just thought i'd tell you this...
on one of my poemes... do u not no that u can reply to a comment on the same page... i just thought i'd tell you this...
Could you turn "plume" to plumb and "afternoon" to afterpoon. I believe then, you would recieve the heavenly thrust required to slice your ear off and fially eat it with some fresh parsnip and vinegar.
Tongue.
where is the unholy part?
Moves along purty well.
is it the boogie monster??
that last bit - it's visual to be sure, but think I liked the other version?
The squirrel completely freezes the ability for me to look around and consider the setting for me, and that image is what I'm left with. If that was the intent then kudos, but its quite a departure from the previous version.
Sorry, but it just seems like a rhyming exercise; I think most of us here, yourself included, could probably do one of these every 12 minutes.
This line:
"It dies now dies into sleep. " - is good.
The rest - there are so many ways this is said, and the way you have here is about half of them.
I'm thinking this works, but I almost got tripped up about 2/3rds way in; maybe could be trimmed a bit?
I really wish it was something beside the word LIFE at the end.
good observations, well put.
The first few lines show a certain potential. 'Outside I am watching and life goes round/ like prose and just as'
The rest is a bit off, but reading the entire submissions of a day. Something like this sticks out.