"ponder yet a second laughter screen" makes me struggle. drawers boxers redundant, fine but as a rationalization to mirror words in the next few lines - no. this smells synthetic somehow; strung together from random thoughts then a pasting of the first line to the last to imitate structure and - done. Thats what it looks like anyway.

... something one might use to warm up to start writing a poem. Start from the drop kick and go from there.

smells like a poem; a good approximation.

okay - not too shabby. But it needs some trimming of those little words to help give the idea some pop. and some color, sound - another sense.

the tiny words that don't add value don't hurt this one as much because its a nice sentiment. You could beef it up by trimming it down though - still - quite well done.

oh. close. betrayal, suicide - so many poems to compete with and this one just gets trampled.

well, the ending has some pop. But the boobs are distracting. Yes I know they are eyes. It might make sense if kids had boobs, but then you'd have to trade in your ending for something with less shock value. Still might work if you took out the ped angle, and - more people would like it.

2nd stanza has to go. What else you got? the rest is very nice with some solid poetic language. So, overall I like how you say it, but what you say isn't too engaging.

"Beard spearing the nearest?" exactly - "...?" "Beard bound for bigger plans?" nice. not too shabby. for a beard poem.

"On a Gethsemane of popcorn" is a nice line, but doesn't get the visual punch it should, I think, because popcorn needs to be doing something in this place (like being strewn on the ground or something) rather than being the place. "salted phial" is a nice ryhme with smile, if slightly out of context - overall, it shows a nice control of language - maybe shows -off- a bit too, but the subject isn't terribly appealing (personally) - it may find a market though since it's topical. Best be quick though.

rushed ending - the rest is a nice little ride. make try some ends?

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Some good tidbits; more clever than effective.

Thanks, Shuushin, for looking in and commenting on both this and yesterday's submission. I'll keep trying, but you're a hard man to please :-).

Cripes!

Darn!

Gad Bodkins!

Holy Mackerel!

Golly!

Egad!