zodiac
on thaw by JakeBike
24 Mar 2004, 6:07 AM
-1 for welling, tumefying.
Worse than a guff-scented electro-cosy full of spazz.
And the obsession with Jesus by those who do not believe continues on, and on and on...... If only those who claim to believe were in posession of such passion and sense of commitment.
A SPAZ SPAZ REVERSE-BOOTH
A VICAR REFILL
A MEGA-GUFF EXTRACTOR
A HOBO-COMPATIBLE LOBSTER COSY
A HOPELESSLY EXPERIMENTAL ARSE CLEANER
AN AWARD-WINNING INDUSTRIAL NEGRO-INFESTED WIPE
A DWARF EXAGGERATOR
The picture is ace. Although it does kind of look like jesus is wearing a mini-skirt.
Neatly done
Quite a nice sound (apart from the sings/distemper stings forced rhyme).
Not sure sparrows lurk though.
What's this about? Conistoga wagons, colony trade?
Feels short.
While you wait for Godot, I wait for poetry.
Actually, this makes a solid point... if only it were SPANISH, well then - ooo that would be sumfin.
Tongue. Tongue, tongue, tongue.
"You, a new flavor expanding
Across my windshield."
Richard, for this kind of [sadly very common] subject matter it needs to really stand out to, well, stand out.
Some good imagery here, but not truly striking.
My favorite part was when you kinda summarized all your previous points at the end. That really drew it all together for me.
Hey - not a bad hook. Could make a good song.
A toilet-approved Swiss army jodhpur of triumph -10-
Some verbs would have been nice.
hmmmm.... some line breaks would give this a better flow.
Some fresh thoughts on a pretty common theme.
problem with this:
"As a mother intent on
With a million vows."
the language use with all those conjunctions, prepositions and simple verbs doesn't do this much help.
right off, "He says that I live in cyber space well" is problematic cuz brain want to make "well" a noun, so if feels choppy there.
"bites" - done on purpose or not, this should be bits or bytes.
I like the idea of this, the perspective, and you could do some nice things with the vocab, but the ending doesn't really give enough of a payout.
aphoristic, and could be truth - but it's only a subset of a poem.