SupremeDreamer
on Twilight Affair by thepinkbunnyofdoom
30 Mar 2004, 1:37 PM
I think this piece would benefit from a good edit.. it looks to me that you've spilled emotion rather than crafted a decent piece. Dull use of language also.. you don't want to have a poem come off as over-emotional. But it does offer something to work with.
No vote for now.
I love this. Thanks for welcoming me to poemranker!
A good blend of uncertainty and image.
Welcome.
You know, as much as I enjoy your ability to craft parodies, can't you find someone other than CLS to use as the punchline? Cuz thats been done to an extreme degree by just about everyone here on the ranker, it was a fad.. hrmm. I need someone to make fun of me.. damnit, darkie needs to do his job, I feel unfulfilled without his comic remarks and being called a "dunce" every possible way from sunday.. I must be bored out of my fucking skull.
take this cursed nine you bastage.
Good morning and welcome to poemranker! I thought I might take a crack at being nice to someone on his/her first day and not giving 'em a hard time - you know, razzing the new kid and all.
Hey, speaking of crack, do you like Jim Morrison, because this poem kind of reminds me of him in several ways? Write back and let me know what you think!
How and why are you so creative?
I was going to read this poem, but I got bored after the 3rd line. Still, I'll give you a 5 for trying.
I agree completely with all of the above. My ignorance in this matter is not at all obvious and I have a highly enlightened knowledge of what you're talking about.
Running a Bible-Code-inspired equidistant letter search on this poem, I found:
7 instances of the word ANUS,
248 of ASS,
10 of ARSE,
12 TWATS,
5 CUNTS,
1 LORD,
1 SATAN,
1 PENIS, &
1 GUFF.
I now firmly believe that though you may be dead to the world, you're utterly alive to the heavenly wisdom of Jesus. We'll be in touch.
Hi. I did a Bible-Code equidistant letter search on this and found some interesting things:
231 occurences of ASS,
17 of ARSE,
56 of CUM,
6 TWATs,
5 of LORD,
2 of ANGEL,
29 GAYS,
2 MUFFS,
1 SUCK,
2 BLOWS,
1 JESU & 2 SATANS.
Call me crazy, but I would like to suggest that your 'stream of consciousness' is a telepathic bat-phone straight to the underground lair of Jesus himself.
I liked it up until
"and hope to catch a rainbow
and taste it on our lips."
With that ending, it made me think I read an artistic ad for Skittles. Thats bad.
Blessed with eight.
The beginning being more padded and the middle/ending more minimalistic makes this a bit of an odd read.. plus its a little vague how the stanzas relate to each other. Seems like you wanted to embellish the first stanza, then along the way got lazy. Its promising though, I think you could build this into ace material.. then again, thats just my opinion.
A seven for now.
It's safer this way I think, it can be the perfect love, internal, without complications. Love on the inside... Good Job!
skittles - ooh.. meant it as catching breakfast - as in trout - not .... that. Will definately give the end some consideration for change. Thanks for the 8.
I agree. It needs more work, but good start
Some of your references seem a little to cliche. The wind always whispers and caresses. Everyone's spirit has a beast. Try some different language. Especially the first line. It was a bit of a turn off. The end was much better.
too wordy for my tastes.
how old are you that you have wasted away to such a tremendous degree?