some deleted user
on some deleted poem
22 Apr 2004, 11:44 AM
Shouldn't that be: "Built for service . . ." Actually this whole line seems to break the flow. I've known a Rachel - great musician, lacking elsewhere.
This may be the first time I think I understand a poem of yours.
The lesson of the tutor is repugnant green.
The student wants cushy blue.
But the icky green is just a reflection from the sycamore.
But what are the fishes - reflections of sycamore leaves, maybe.
All sorts of nice implications here.
Love it.
"I'd hate to believe I was caught in a feeling" Of course you were caught in a feeling.
You don't show me why this has to be over.
To create a machine or enslave a human that thinks like a slave and works like a slave has been the goal for a long time. Good summary.
alright...who gave this a 10?
"providing a joyous occasion the memory of all." Somehting grammetically displeasing about this line.
I don't get it.
Besides that, "aloud -> allowed".
interesting.
For Glory and esprit de corps! The lone comma seems crying for help from buddies. I think they would ease the flow.
I am hoping you will take the time to answer my comment in response to your comment on "Didactic Phoneticals."
I've read some of Poe, not all. Wish I knew what you are referring to.
Good idea, but too wordy. Poetry should provoke thought, not tell everything, and definitely not repeat anything.
The ending! That's the good part. If only the poem worked rhythmicly toward it.
nice, but where are the six other sins?
Last line of first verse needs a ".
This flows very nicely right up to the end. The only problem is that I don't see what happened. He made it through the storm, then in the clear day we find his ship capsized and him sinking to hell.
Do you mean "daughter of Satan himself"? Sorry, don't get it.
Cute
I love it. I would get rid of the double rocks in the first stanza, and remove one of the coins at the end, probably quarter. very good poem.
Ominous
I don't exactly get the disjunction, maybe it should be a Concrete poem. Otherwise, not bad -8-
moving and very free form, the way I like it -10-