I suppose I could, but this conveys the meaning that I want it to have (to me anyway). Its a song and is not really complete w/o the music. I feel that its good as is and don't feel the need to change it. Thanks for the comment though. It has to progress and I feel that it did. You must understand that the whole part about the moon exploding is drug induced in addition to metaphor. The rest is simply, as I said, progression as I see it.

Actually this is the original (+ extra stanza). The original actually wasn't a Triolet because it didn't have the rhyming lines. Anyway, maybe it doesn't work..but I like it.

I did too. Actually, I just realized today that I messed it up as a Triolet and changed it. Oh well...maybe I'll change it back and make it Free Verse...

nope

true. You gave it an 8 before I revised it..but I must admit that you've become somewhat....generous in your voting as of late.

Well fine.

How 'bout, both you nitwits vote before you leave these stupid comments on my poem.

After that, you can leave all the stupid comments you want.

Oh, and Doug...It is sense. And, you don't have to get so hostile just because somebody didn't like your (or anybody else's poem). It's called perception, and if people can't handle criticism, then they shouldn't post. What kind of world would we live in if we had to listen to every dumb fucks' poetry and couldn't call it shit. It's called freedom pal and the thing of it is...is that, not EVERYBODY should be encouraged.

Thank you.

;0)

lol. Maybe just the dark end of the street.

Thanks, and I know...it's shallow.

You're no fun.

Not true. Santa Clause is right over there.

First, thanks for the critique and I think (hope) that the writers block has been lifted.

Second, you're right about the little things...just a little problem I have (as discussed with Shin Shuu somewhere on this page. I've got to work on that.

Third, with the last sentence, i just couldn't get it to sound right putting the 'she' in there.

Fourth, I was just happy not to get a "Personally, I honestly don't think you'll ever be any good at writing poetry. Poets are born not made. You can improve, but only so far. You're poetically tone deaf."

That stings.

But I'll keep your suggestions in mind, for sure...and thanks.

The comments which god'swife left were referring to an earlier draft of this.

The real question here is: If Poemranker is so lame, why are you here? Don't be bitter becuase she didn't like your poem(s). And, I'm assuming that is the reason for your hostility. People calls 'em like they sees 'em and if you can't handle the criticism, you shouldn't post.

Thanks for the 10, by the way.

Yes, I have a bad habit of putting those small words in.

That's been a problem of mine for a while. I guess changing my name didn't enhance my abilities any.

Thanks for the feedback..I decided to kind of go a different (yet ultimately the same) way with it. Maybe this is better?

I try writing free verse or whatever else, but with this, I just picked up my guitar and puked it out. That's why it is what it is. Wasn't a whole lot of contemplation with it...almost like free-association trying to get over it. Anyway...it'll pass, as all things of this nature do. Thanks for the feedback.