Free verse № 104734
The Ocean Prefers A Sunset
On the horizon,
dancing waltzes with the end of the Earth,
she casts the shadows
of crumbling caryatids on the listless sand.
I'm standing on the shoreline
and hoping for an evening rain to fall.
The chemicals bouncing through my mind,
twist her, turn her
until she becomes the entire world.
She's almost gone now;
and with her death, the birth of night.
So, I wait
for her sister to cast her warming smile;
and although not as beautiful,
warm my bones as I yearn to see her again.
22 comments
In the mean time, I bless thee with five. Go in peace.
Villanelles are considered to be well suited for expressing unsettling issues that a poet has, etc. so I figured it would simply be a matter of time until I wrote a vill in response to writers block. for some it worsens the block, but it eases my imaginative stiffness when it plagues me.
You could try that perhaps, or something other than a lyric- since, in my experience anyway, writing lyrics aren't effective during writers block.
'I'M standing on the shoreline...' I don't mean to dismiss her I think is very insightful, could be read many ways.
'dancing waltzes...' the waltzes suggests dancing already, you might consider leaving the dancing out, helps with the flow of the image.
'and hoping for an evening rain to fall' Rain falls, everybody knows that so again, you could make things prettier by leaving '...to fall' out of it. Small little things make all the difference. Like Nanas embroidered napkin tucked under the silverware, or cleaning the mirror in the bathroom.
I love the second stanza, the relationship between birth and death. Try not to use 'her' twice in one sentence if you can help it. the her in the final sentence is uncertain, which girl are you longing for? That last sentence could use 'She' at the beginning.
Real good. Nice job.
Second, you're right about the little things...just a little problem I have (as discussed with Shin Shuu somewhere on this page. I've got to work on that.
Third, with the last sentence, i just couldn't get it to sound right putting the 'she' in there.
Fourth, I was just happy not to get a "Personally, I honestly don't think you'll ever be any good at writing poetry. Poets are born not made. You can improve, but only so far. You're poetically tone deaf."
That stings.
But I'll keep your suggestions in mind, for sure...and thanks.
I like this - I think it would be better for the killing of some of the small words (the conjuctions and little preps - but I often say this).
That's been a problem of mine for a while. I guess changing my name didn't enhance my abilities any.
The real question here is: If Poemranker is so lame, why are you here? Don't be bitter becuase she didn't like your poem(s). And, I'm assuming that is the reason for your hostility. People calls 'em like they sees 'em and if you can't handle the criticism, you shouldn't post.
Thanks for the 10, by the way.
Listless sand - nope, you need to show what the sand is doing to make you think it is listless.
Last verse; death, birth, yearn, beautiful, smile are a touch unimaginative.
Good though, well written.
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