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The Ocean Prefers A Sunset (Free verse) by wilco On the horizon,
dancing waltzes with the end of the Earth,
she casts the shadows
of crumbling caryatids on the listless sand.
I'm standing on the shoreline
and hoping for an evening rain to fall.
The chemicals bouncing through my mind,
twist her, turn her
until she becomes the entire world.
She's almost gone now;
and with her death, the birth of night.
So, I wait
for her sister to cast her warming smile;
and although not as beautiful,
warm my bones as I yearn to see her again.
Up the ladder:
Where Have All the Punk Rockers Gone?
Down the ladder:
Brackish
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.0454545
Posted: June 9, 2004 8:32 PM PDT; Last modified: June 11, 2004 4:08 PM PDTWeighted score: 7.0086646 Overall Rank: 74 Comments:
[9]
INTRANSIT @ 64.12.116.70
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10-Jun-04/5:47 AM
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Reply
I want to like this. Especially with the caryatids. Great word ,btw. Just too piecemeal for me. Show me more about the support structures.
hauntingly resonates with my hang-over this morning.
You know, and this is just me...but I think if you're going to give somebody a 0, the least you can do is leave a comment giving a reason.
Well.. you know, this doesn't look as if you put all the ability you have into this one.. if it were to be sung, I think it would come out lame. Theres the potential for this to be extended and improved though.
In the mean time, I bless thee with five. Go in peace.
Remember my last post? Writers' Block? Well guess what...its still here. ;0)
Well, my latest villanelle is a writers block piece.
Villanelles are considered to be well suited for expressing unsettling issues that a poet has, etc. so I figured it would simply be a matter of time until I wrote a vill in response to writers block. for some it worsens the block, but it eases my imaginative stiffness when it plagues me. You could try that perhaps, or something other than a lyric- since, in my experience anyway, writing lyrics aren't effective during writers block.
I try writing free verse or whatever else, but with this, I just picked up my guitar and puked it out. That's why it is what it is. Wasn't a whole lot of contemplation with it...almost like free-association trying to get over it. Anyway...it'll pass, as all things of this nature do. Thanks for the feedback.
i think my whole life is one big villanelle
'...seems to me.' is simply awful.
'I'M standing on the shoreline...' I don't mean to dismiss her I think is very insightful, could be read many ways.
Thanks for the feedback..I decided to kind of go a different (yet ultimately the same) way with it. Maybe this is better?
Much. some redundances you really should keep an eye out for:
'dancing waltzes...' the waltzes suggests dancing already, you might consider leaving the dancing out, helps with the flow of the image. 'and hoping for an evening rain to fall' Rain falls, everybody knows that so again, you could make things prettier by leaving '...to fall' out of it. Small little things make all the difference. Like Nanas embroidered napkin tucked under the silverware, or cleaning the mirror in the bathroom. I love the second stanza, the relationship between birth and death. Try not to use 'her' twice in one sentence if you can help it. the her in the final sentence is uncertain, which girl are you longing for? That last sentence could use 'She' at the beginning. Real good. Nice job.
First, thanks for the critique and I think (hope) that the writers block has been lifted.
Second, you're right about the little things...just a little problem I have (as discussed with Shin Shuu somewhere on this page. I've got to work on that. Third, with the last sentence, i just couldn't get it to sound right putting the 'she' in there. Fourth, I was just happy not to get a "Personally, I honestly don't think you'll ever be any good at writing poetry. Poets are born not made. You can improve, but only so far. You're poetically tone deaf." That stings. But I'll keep your suggestions in mind, for sure...and thanks.
nice word caryatids.
I like this - I think it would be better for the killing of some of the small words (the conjuctions and little preps - but I often say this).
Yes, I have a bad habit of putting those small words in.
That's been a problem of mine for a while. I guess changing my name didn't enhance my abilities any.
Rarely does. This current cut though, BOUNDS ahead of the first one. I like it much better.
Godswife why are you so bitter? you really need to get a life outside of lame internet sites...really!
The comments which god'swife left were referring to an earlier draft of this.
The real question here is: If Poemranker is so lame, why are you here? Don't be bitter becuase she didn't like your poem(s). And, I'm assuming that is the reason for your hostility. People calls 'em like they sees 'em and if you can't handle the criticism, you shouldn't post. Thanks for the 10, by the way.
Would echo than dancing is redundant (getting rid of it brings out the alliteration of 'waltzes with' better too).
Listless sand - nope, you need to show what the sand is doing to make you think it is listless. Last verse; death, birth, yearn, beautiful, smile are a touch unimaginative. Good though, well written.
The first stanza and last two lines are contrived crap, the rest awesome.
Really, isn't all poetry contrived crap?
I can tell if this is good or not..it seems really good at parts but then I got lost on some so I'm gonna give you a .....6
I can tell if this is good or not..it seems really good at parts but then I got lost on some so I'm gonna give you a .....6
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